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The Evolution Of Breakups

Breaking up in the age of social media is a bitch.

THINGS GET ROCKY

Then: You speak in hushed tones about it to your friends. “It’s just not the same anymore,” you say.

Now: You go vaguebooking, i.e. posting emo updates, quotes, and song lyrics that hint at trouble in paradise. “It’s just not the same anymore,” you imply.

ANNOUNCING THE BREAKUP

Then: On the landline, you sob to your closest friends right away. Everyone else will just have to find out eventually through the grapevine.

Now: You lose your "in a relationship" status. Friends send messages of concern or post words of comfort on your wall and in comment threads. The news of your breakup spreads quickly, and the attention is almost embarrassing.

GOING THROUGH THE GRIEF

Then: You cry in your room for days while playing Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” on repeat.

Now: You cry in your room for days while playing Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” on repeat. (Hey, you should totally post that song on your wall. What a classic.)

GETTING RID OF THE RELATIONSHIP RELICS

Then: You rip up couple photos you’ve had developed at the local Kodak, rip up letters and greeting cards you’ve amassed over years of being together, and throw away stuffed toys and dried-up bouquets you’ve lovingly kept. If you’re angry enough, you don’t stop there. YOU BURN EVERYTHING.

Now: You delete his number (even if it’s tattooed in your head). You delete him from all your social media accounts (even though you’re bound to stalk him sooner or later). You delete all the couple photos in all your devices—yes, even the ones where you look super cute. Such a shame. Maybe you can just crop him out? BUT HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH ALL THE MEMORIES?

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#WinningTheBreakup

Then: You go out drinking, partying, and meeting new people. You try to prove to yourself that you’re better off without him. Take that, universe!

Now: You go out drinking, partying, and meeting new people—and you document it all on Instagram to show everyone that you’re better off without him. Take that, universe!

REGRESSING

Then: You totally didn’t expect it, but you ran into him at a bar. He had his arm around some skinny bitch. You flee the scene, head home, and sob into your pillow.

Now: You couldn’t help it; you stalked him online. And you saw what you’ve been dreading you’d see: a picture of him with his arm around some skinny bitch. You sob into your pillow.

HEALING

Then: The crying sessions have completely stopped. Plus, you cut your hair, lost weight, and you’ve never looked better. GO YOU.

Now: You cut your hair, lost weight, and never looked better, and best of all, you’re not doing any of it to prove to your Facebook audience that you’re over him. You just ARE. (But you still post the occasional parinig quote, only this time, it’s ~*inspirational*~.)

FINALLY MOVING ON

Then: You've started dating a new guy, and he’s wonderful! You think it's for keeps this time, but you’ll see how it goes.

Now: You and your new guy are practically Facebook official, with pictures of you two together plastered all over social media! You think it’s for keeps this time—no, it better be for keeps. You don’t want to go through the whole damn hell of Facebook-erasing a boyfriend ALL OVER AGAIN.

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