1. He's only available at completely random times.
Not only does he never make concrete plans at least 24 hours in advance, but the times he is available are in the midnight to 3 a.m. range, or, like, a Sunday afternoon when he just happens to be bored out of his skull.
2. Or he spends all his time with you.
He's been over your place literally every night this week, which makes you wonder if he has any responsibilities?? Is his own home so ransacked with dirty clothes and towers of takeout containers that he can't just read a book sometimes?
3. He's bizarrely protective of his phone.
The moment his phone lights up is his cue to dramatically contort his body away from you with Cirque du Soleil-level skill and as close to the edge of the bed as possible. He'll risk falling off if it keeps you from reading whatever text he's sending right now.
4. He nervously asks you to not tag him in the selfie you just took.
He just likes to keep his love life private! So private, in fact, that the reason for privacy is super private too. Stop prying already!
5. He completely drops off for weeks because "work got crazy."
His hands were way too tied to reply to your "Hey!" or "Are we still on for tonight?"and especially "...Seriously?? Fuck you." But now that he has a sliver of time, he'd love for you to come over.
6. He gets very hung up on labels.
He's totally not seeing anyone else but he also thinks "boyfriend" is way too restrictive a term. He'd feel much better if you just introduced him as "Guy I Go On Dates With And Sleep With Exclusively, But Also, We're So Chiiiiiiill."
7. His stories seem way too good to be true.
There's a guy trying to impress his crush, and then there's mentioning that he's always invited to at least eight parties at once and has Judd Apatow's personal number, which he ~definitely~ uses to text him all the time.
8. Everything he ever wants to do involves getting fucked up.
If the only time you see him sober is the brief hour between waking up and all-you-can-drink brunch, you're dating a fluffed-up version of whoever this guy actually is.
9. He says "I love you" way too soon.
You've had five or six pretty good dates, until he confidently whispers an "I love you" as if saying it for the first time is more fun than terrifying. Expressing strong feelings (especially that early on) is incredibly vulnerable, and if it comes off as stilted or rehearsed, it just means he revels the act of saying it more than he thinks he loves you.
10. He's BFFs with every single one of his exes.
Exes can truly be friends! But all of them? Really? Not one has made him feel too heartbroken for platonic post-breakup camaraderie? He's truly best buds with all of them equally and not trying to keep them around to fulfill his sexual ego when he needs to? Sure, Jan.
11. Or every one of his exes is a reincarnation of evil more horrible than the last and would only tell the worst lies about him if you asked.
Sounds legit, dude!
12. He gets incredibly defensive if you ask about his sexual history.
If you asking about the last time he got tested is "rude," he probably either doesn't remember the last time he did (if he ever did at all), or is hiding something much, much worse.
13. He's never introduced you to his friends that he talks so much about.
If you're so cool and they're so cool, wouldn’t this mathematically make for a great meetup? What perfectly reasonable, non-sketchy holdup could there possible be?
14. He gets super touchy around women he doesn't know.
His hands keep ending up on the shoulders and lower backs of exclusively attractive women he just met, but you're the crazy one!
15. His Insta likes are 90 percent hot women in bikinis, yoga pants, or impeccably-lit selfies.
You'd think he'd fave a few scenic vacation shots or food 'grams just to switch it up and hide the lightly-flirting-with-everyone a little bit.
16. You've seen him watching the same girl's Snaps or Insta Stories a lot.
You have no idea who she is aside from that one girl he obsessively keeps tabs on. Bonus points if you see him scrolling through his own views as if looking for one specific person.
17. His texts feel generic enough to be a chain letter.
An out-of-the-blue "hey" is the modern-day fuckboy equivalent of a "forward this to 20 friends or you’ll be haunted 4 life" email in rainbow Comic Sans. Everyone gets it and no one in their right mind should ever respond.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.