1. Oh my GODDD! That's so GREAAAAT! Good for YOOOOU!
Obviously I'm glad you're supportive, but you shouldn't think it's a Triumph of the Human Spirit that I've somehow landed a male human who's willing to be exclusive.
2. Is it serious?
No, stage three cancer is serious. We just have dinners together to see if this whole thing ~*~*~fEeLs~*~*~ right.
3. Do you think it's gonna get serious?
Not if you jinx it like that! And how do you know I want it to get serious? Once again, you are implying that I am some kind of desperate man-addled fool.
4. When was his last relationship?
Well the last time he was deeply in love with a woman who wasn't me, it was around the 12th of why the hell do I want to know about this.
5. Have you seen the ex? Maganda ba?
I may or may not have found the ex's Facebook. And Twitter. And LinkedIn. But talking about it is just gonna feed the beast. So puwede ba.
6. How is he compared to [ex-boyfriend]?
It's unfair to pit him against the memory of an ex—who obviously had different strengths, penis size, weaknesses, and penis size. And penis size. Don't make me overthink the Venn diagram of them that already exists in my brain.
7. Why haven't I met him yet??
Because the last time you met a guy I was dating, you came up to him drunkenly and said, "If you mess with my best friend lagot ka sakin." And then he stopped texting me back.
8. Invite him to dinner with us tonight!!
I am not going to throw him into a dinner comprised of five of my best female friends. I'm not crazy.
9. Do you think he's the one?
I don't even know what I'm having for dinner.
10. Ugh, now I'll never see you!
Otherwise known as "a role reversal of what our friendship has been ever since you got into your long-term relationship." You're just not used to being the one whose texts go unanswered. Suck it up, Tricia. Suck it up.
11. Does he have any hot friends?
Let's wait until I know the guy's middle name before I have the "I have this AMAZING single friend" conversation with him, yes?
12. He doesn't seem like your type!
Well, considering relationships with guys who are "my type" have always ended, it was time to switch it up. Also, is that a backhanded compliment?
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.