Umm, so people are using a lot of interesting things around their homes as makeshift vibrators, penis pumps, and sex toys, according to a recent Reddit thread. Doctors and nurses who are active on the online community wrote into the thread dishing on the most embarrassing sex-related injuries they've ever treated, and unfortunately, people are going through their, uh, kitchens? And basements? To find things that will help get them off. Please—and I cannot stress this enough—do not, because all of these stories sound really effing painful.
"I'm an EMT, and one time, we transported a lady who had three hot dogs in her vagina. They had been in there for three weeks," BergenTruckungg wrote.
"I had an older gentleman come into the ER for constipation. We ordered an X-ray per usual and when the results came back, we saw he shoved a soy sauce bottle up his butt," says Reddit user bdavey011.
"My friend's sister is a nurse and she told us she once had to remove a chicken wing from someone's vagina," says hznwlf.
If you need even more receipts, here are the top 10 items used during sex that have led to an ER visit, according to data pulled by a British escort agency, Xstacy.co.uk:
- Computer Chair
- Bowling Pin
- Lava Lamp
- Toilet Brush
- Bicycle Pump
- Shower Head
- Candle Stick
- Crunchy Bar
- Soy Sauce
Jalapeños? You. Guys. WYD?! I mean, I understand that you may want to be adventurous and spice up your sex life, but playing with these objects (or any other household item) in any kind of sexual manner can be super dangerous. You're risking popped blood vessels, broken penises, lost condoms, anal fissures, and/or vaginal tears, say experts.
Listen, there are amazing sex toy products out there for this very reason. Go ahead and invest in the vibrator, or penis pump, or dildo. We promise it will be worth it. And if money is your concern, it will be much cheaper than a visit to the ER, mmk? Actually, here are some of the cheapest sex toys on the market right this way—you're welcome.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.