Breakups are so rough they make me literally never want to date another human male again. But that's no way to go about life, I'm just another FOOL FOR LOVE. Because I'm practical AF, I like to have a plan in mind for when I'm feeling heartbroken. My condensed list is only three things: buy new undies, get a haircut, throw a party. I am fully convinced that by following these 15 steps, no heartache has to knock you down and make you feel like a sad puddle for too long.
1. Feel all the feelings.
There's no sense in swallowing your tears in order to maintain some faux sense of pride and stoicism that no one expects from you anyway. Shove all those feelings down and they'll only come back later when it's least convenient, like at work on a stressful day or in traffic or something.
2. And then promptly set a deadline for your sadness.
That said, you can't milk your sadness forever. Lean on your friends for support, and then tell them to make sure you are making a serious effort to heal after a certain amount of time. There's no set rule of thumb here—a longer relationship takes longer to get over. Figure this out but then stick to your deadline. Knowing it's ending soon is half the fight.
3. Purge him from your internet life.
You can decide what exactly this entails, but I'm a proponent of going full-monty for a brutal breakup, and light elimination for an amicable split. If there was fighting and yelling and you two hate each other, purge him from everything. If it was just time for you guys to part ways, maybe just mute him on Twitter or hide his posts from your Facebook feed. You can always reverse it later and he never has to know there was a time when you couldn't stand to see his avatar on your screen.
4. Make a List Of Things To Look Forward To.
Not a to-do list, but a list of things you can look forward to in the near to distant future. These should all be fun and great. It'll give you nice little things to think about when you fall asleep at night and find your mind drifting to how nice his lips felt, or how you used to laugh together at that one dumb YouTube video. There are better things in life that don't involve him and you need a reminder sometimes.
5. Clean your sheets, or just buy fancy new ones.
It's, like, emotional terrorism to sleep in a bed that still smells like him or contains stray hairs that he left behind on your pillow. Wash 'em. Besides, nothing feels better than clean sheets. Not even spooning feels better than clean sheets.
6. Do something to rearrange your bedroom.
This could mean moving your bed to a different location, or finally completing that totally Instagrammable gallery wall you've been dying for. Make your surroundings feel fresh.
7. Buy yourself some sexy new undies.
Nothing makes you feel hotter than new undies. Nothing. Enjoy the confidence boost, even if no one can see it but you.
8. Do something to change up ~your look~.
I know some people are way against getting a haircut in the midst of emotional turmoil, but this is one of my go-to heartbreak moves. Maybe don't go from mermaid locks to pixie, but a healthy four- to six-inch snip can freshen you up and make you feel confident and hot.
9. Start reading one of the books that's been on your shelf for months/years.
You don't have to finish it, but it always feels good to finally get around to something you've been meaning to do. When life becomes too exciting to sit around reading your book, it can go back on the shelf.
10. Find a new show to binge watch on those nights when the sads come creeping back.
The worst part about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. Just when you feel like you're totally ~over it~, a memory strikes and you feel like you've been knocked back ten steps. This is when you need a dumb TV show to watch and take your mind off things. It's just a cheap coping mechanism, but sometimes you need those.
11. Find a new recipe or two that you've never tried before and then try it.
Bonus points if the recipe is for something crazy decadent like cheesecake brownies or homemade pizza. Just spend a whole day in the kitchen baking and cooking and then share your treats with friends (or keep them to yourself, no judging). Working with your hands and creating an actual thing can be so therapeutic.
12. Buy some new shoes.
What I'm saying here is literally just TREAT. YA. SELF.
13. Have a sleepover at a friend's place.
Whether you're 15 or 35, there's no age limit on sleepovers. This is one of the many pleasures of being a girl. We can do whatever we want, whenever we want. And that includes pajama parties.
14. Make out with someone you think is hot.
What with your new shoes and sexy undies and hot new hairdo, you look hot and should capitalize on this hotness. Get out there and make out with someone hot, and then don't try and turn it into a whole new relationship thing (unless he's literally the guy of your dreams then you do you girl). Making out is fun. We should all be making out more.
15. Throw a kick ass party, just because you can.
You don't need reasons to throw party. If anything, let this be a celebration of you as a hot single lady. Planning it will give you something to do instead of wallowing in your pain, and it's impossible to be sad at a great party (ok it's possible but it's def difficult). And who knows, maybe throwing a killer party will help you knock out no. 14 on this list. Happy smoochin'.