That famous line from a book (Tale of Two Cities) by a man about how "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times," or whatever is, in my opinion, actually about having boobs. There are such wonderful benefits to having a pair of playthings affixed to your chest. But then there are the dark moments (PERIODS). Either way, having boobies is like being part of a fun, exclusive club, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
1. Taking my bra off at the end of the day is the second-best feeling to taking your ponytail down at the end of the day.
Okay, or maybe it's better. Either way, it's literally just as good as everyone says it is, if not better.
2. They are transitory and move around, and sometimes I don't know where they went.
Exhibit A is when I lay down on my back and they seemingly disappear into my ribcage. Boobs, where u at?
3. When I run down the stairs, I honestly don't notice that I'm holding them.
It's just an involuntary response, I'm not feeling myself up for fun, it's a strategic move.
4. One is bigger than the other and I will NEVER TELL YOU WHICH ONE IT IS.
This is true for all women, and anyone who says otherwise is lying to you.
5. I love to play with them just as much as you do.
Just like Tigger sings about his tail (sorry for bringing your childhood fave into this boobie list), "they're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!" I sometimes catch myself adjusting a boob or resting my hands on them in public without knowing how my hands got there at all. Nice to know they're still there, hangin' out on my chest.
6. All those cute little lace bralettes are pretty but do literally nothing for me, support-wise.
It's like wearing a couple of paper doilies over my nips. Cute, festive, but not at all practical.
7. I probably check out other women's boobs more than you do.
No, I'm not a perv (okay, I'm a little bit of a perv) but it's nice to know what other ladies are working with. Gotta keep myself in the loop, ya know?
8. There is one bra I wear almost every day, and I will let you try and guess when the last time I washed it was.
If you guessed "whenever they washed the materials that went into the making of this undergarment," you're correct!!!!!
9. Nipples have a mind of their own and are out of my control.
I honestly don't know if I'm cold, excited to see you, or if my nipples just woke up for the day and wanted to check out the scenery. Sometimes, I really am concerned that they're pranking me.
10. There are such things as Good Boob Days, and they are more valuable and special than good hair days.
TFW you look in the mirror and have picture perfect cleav that just. won't. quit.
11. You do not get to guess what size bra I wear.
That's only for me and the very friendly lady I let feel me up at the lingerie store. End of list.
12. You also do not get to suggest that I get a breast reduction/enhancement/whatever.
Leave the gals alone, they are not here for your garbage opinions.
13. They hurt like a motherfucker when I'm on my period.
If you so much as lightly brush against them, I will scream and kick you and then excuse myself to a quiet corner so I can cry and consider putting an ice pack on my chest.
14. My nipples aren't my second and third clitoris.
Like, it's nice when you touch them but nipple-flicking is not as arousing as (most?) men seem to think it is. My nipples are not toys.
15. You cannot convince me that getting punched in the boob doesn't hurt just as bad as getting punched in the balls, and I will carry this to my grave.
Don't @ me.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.