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7 Things No One Tells You About Your Very First *Legit* Relationship Breakup

They might not have even been your first BF or GF, but they were your first love.
PHOTO: Pexels

You might have read the headline of this article and thought about the first time you got rejected, the first time you found out your grade school crush liked someone else, or maybe even the first time you got dumped by your high school sweetheart. But no, I’m talking about *the* breakup with your S.O., the person you were with when you were old enough to understand the concept of two people going through adulthood together and facing life’s good fortune and misadventures side by side. They might not have even been your first boyfriend or girlfriend, mind you, but you consider them to be your *first* love. (They’re different, I promise).

I was 24 when I got my heart broken for the first time. We were 18 when we first got together, and like many couples in new, exciting relationships, we were optimistic that we would take on the world together whatever happened. But of course, life got in the way. Somewhere down the line, we lost sight of each other and grew apart rather than together like we thought we always would. It was difficult to come to terms that we weren’t together anymore, and I cried a lot. The days, weeks, and months after the breakup felt long, and I really couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.


It's been a couple of months since then, and a lot has happened to me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Here are a couple of things I've learned that may help you, too:

7 Things No One Tells You After Your First *Legit* Relationship Breakup

1. It takes time.

Reality check: It's not something that you get over within just a matter of days. If you were in a relationship with your ex for years, getting over them will definitely take some time. It's totally normal to wish that you could just fast forward to a future with your ex. Believe me, I've tried. I dabbled in a lot of things to make the pain go away—find new hobbies (preferably something that didn't remind me of them, LOL), drown myself in work, meet new people—but the truth was, I had to ride the hurt out.

It really helped to have some time alone to really sit with my thoughts and let them brew. Did I really miss the person? Or did I just miss the feeling and the security I had when I was with them during better times? These are some questions that can help you when reevaluating the entirety of your relationship with them.

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2. It really, really hurts.

When you're with someone for so long, talking to and being with them becomes second nature to you. It becomes a part of your daily routine. So when it suddenly stops without warning and you sever this intense emotional connection with them, it's like ripping a Band-Aid from a painful wound—it really fucking hurts.

I could lie to myself and say that it didn't, that it was like nothing, but in reality, it changed me. It made me not want to eat anything. I retreated to my room and only went out when I had to go to work. I cried more than I have in years. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I did pour my heart out in my journal. Every once in a while, I would feel like I was *finally* feeling better, but then I would see something that reminded me of them and I felt like breaking down all over again. I'm here to remind you that feeling this way is completely valid and normal—give yourself time to heal.


3. Healing is not linear.

According to Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For me, within a couple of days after the breakup, I felt like I breezed through the first three stages and was already in the depression stage. I quickly found out that this wasn't true. Every time I recounted the story of how our relationship ended with my friends, I would quickly go back to the anger stage and fall flat on my face yet again. All the hurt, pain, and anger would come crashing back, and I would see nothing but red for a while. It was tiring, having to go back to the first few stages when I finally felt like I was in the clear, but I had to remind myself all the time that it was normal. This was one thing I really had to come to terms with during this time: Healing is not linear.


You may feel like you're already at the acceptance stage, especially when you're out talking to new people, but the sad thoughts usually come out at night. This is normal. Feel them, honor them. 

4. You may slip up every now and then.

After a breakup, it's normal to reevaluate all the aspects of your relationship with them. Like a catalog, you go through what went wrong, who messed up, and what you both could've done so that things might not have ended that way. You may even slip up and message them a couple of times. (Been there, done that!)

I was still in contact with my ex (and even meeting up) after we broke up, much to the horror of my friends. After all, isn't it the first rule of breakups that you're not supposed to contact them at all? But here's the truth: It's hard to go cold turkey. After all, I spent nearly a fifth of my life with them. And while it may seem stupid to still be talking to them, I received advice from my friend that really helped validate what I felt. "Bigyan mo lang sarili mo ng time magpaka-tanga," she told me. She was right—no matter what my friends told me, at the end of the day, I was going to do what I wanted anyway. If I wanted to be delusional for a while, so be it. After a while, it got old fast. Ako na rin nag-sawa. I didn't like that I was settling for this kind of thing, so I eventually severed ties with him completely. I just needed to take my time.


5. Being delusional is normal.

NGL, after we broke up, I had these visions of myself getting back together with them after some time like nothing happened. But that's all they were—fantasies. It was my way of coping with the reality of our relationship ending. Yes, there are couples who get back together after breaking up, but you need to remember that it's on a case-to-case basis. There's a reason why you broke up, and you need to remind yourself of whatever that may be every time you feel like going back, especially if it was a messy or toxic relationship.

6. The choice of whether or not you put yourself out there again is your own.

After my ex and I broke up, I tried out Bumble. Mostly spurred on by my fellow single friends and partly because I wanted the validation—I had to see if people still wanted me despite my ex cheating on me. It was fun for a while, swiping right and left and chatting with people and getting bursts of happiness and kilig whenever someone cute chatted with me or SuperSwiped, but the novelty wore off after some time. 


I eventually stopped for a while, mostly because it was hard to keep up conversations with strangers knowing that all I wanted was to talk to my ex. I also felt bad—I didn't want to lead other people on while I was still clearly hurting over my past relationship. Instead, I found solace in my friends. I went out with them more often and listened to their advice. Every conversation with them felt like a harsh but much-needed slap in the face. In time, I eventually found myself back on the app when I was sure that I was already in a better place.

7. Things will always get better.

I know, I know. It's the most cliche statement you will hear from your family and friends when you go through a breakup, but it's *true*. Things really will get better for you from here on out—it just has to hurt first. There will come a day when you wake up and realize that you're finally, finally over them. It doesn't hurt anymore.


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