It recently dawned on me: Everything I know about dating men, I basically already learned when I was an actual child. Some things never change:
1. They do not know when you're trying to flirt.
Something I could say right now and it would still apply: "Seriously, Michael, I always tried to hide with you during hide-and-seek, and you still couldn't get it?"
2. They're mean to you when they like you.
At 5, this meant always picking you as "goose" in a rousing game of duck, duck, goose. At 25, this means texting back, "yeah same," when you send something heartfelt and genuine.
3. They're icky.
You knew it when you saw TJ picking his nose at the crafts table, and you still know it now, every time you watch grown men stick their hands down their pants and then use that same hand to grab a handful of popcorn out of a communal bowl.
4. They think it's funny when they fart.
Especially when they fart on someone else, which I was secretly hoping they'd grow out of, but nope.
5. They don't know what to do with dirty clothes.
Mom took care of it when they were 5, and now as adults, they hit crisis mode every time they get salsa on their shirts.
6. They're bad at picking out presents.
If left to their own devices, they'd probably still be giving us those plastic snakes that wiggle on their own, just like they did at kindergarten birthday parties.
7. They're horrible at matching.
When he was 5, this just meant wearing camouflage shorts with a bright blue Power Rangers T-shirt, now it means wearing navy socks with black pants. But like, same thing really.
8. They're smelly.
I know that we all wear deodorant now but seriously, why does boy sweat smell so much worse than girl sweat??
9. They get mad over dumb things.
Nico got really angry when you said his sandwich looked weird at lunch. Is this something that happened 20 years ago, or today?
10. They don't know what to do when they like you.
You could do as one of these little boys suggests and just say, "Thank you," and hope he gets that you mean, "I like you too."
11. They're so cute.
I wish it weren't so. I really, really do.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.