42 Thoughts Women Have During Blow Jobs

There should be a service that brings you Gatorade after this.
PHOTO: ISTOCKPHOTO

While blow jobs are a great measure to get the party started, there is quite a bit of downtime, so it’s easy for one’s mind to wander. I mean, of course, I’m thinking about your peen, but I’m also wondering if my gift certificates for a massage are still valid.

While we as women are doing our best to be ~present~, here are some other thoughts we have while we lick the lollipop:

  1. There are at least four pubes in my mouth. I can’t tell if they’re yours or mine.
  2. Please stop grabbing my tits. Your hands are getting in the way of my ~technique~.
  3. Should I look at you? I feel like that’s creepy?
  4. I’m gonna look at you. Like, every blow job tip ever told me that’s preferable.
  5. Can you tell I’m thinking about my cat that died when I was six? All this hair in my mouth has me feeling nostalgic.
  6. I hope you’re cool with me using your toothbrush after this. IDK if we’re leave-a-toothbrush-at-your-place exclusive yet.
  7. Shit, I need to call my mom back. Not my ideal time to think about my mom, but I can see she just texted me.
  8. I should’ve tied my hair up before I came down here. Now you’re just getting a blow job by the girl from The Ring.
  9. Can I get pregnant from swallowing? I know the answer is no, but we also thought man would never walk on the moon.
  10. Spitters are quitters. The Dr. Seuss story no one needed.
  11. I bet I can shove both balls in my mouth. Did it. (Sorta.)
  12. Using both hands is…hard? The coordination just doesn’t click with me.
  13. If I’m being honest with myself, I’d give myself a 7/10. I’ll admit, I could do some more tongue action.
  14. I wonder what would happen if I moved my finger toward your butt…*says a prayer*
  15. Oh, that’s what. Noted.
  16. Did the pilgrims suck D? Like, where did this originate? Who was the first person to think, That place you pee out of? YUM.
  17. Why is it called a “blow job” anyway? There’s literally no blowing involved (but it is a job).
  18. I have to fart, and I’m gonna hold it till I die.
  19. Who let your cat in here? I don’t really like an ~audience~ when I do this.
  20. My neck hurts. Bb better give me a massage after this.
  21. There should be a service that brings you Gatorade after this. I’d call it Blowmates.
  22. How sharp would my teeth have to be in order to bite off a penis? Not that I would, but I’d like to know the possibility is there.
  23. Okay, you’re not making ANY noises. Give me a lil bit of validation, plz?
  24. Never mind, that weird hum is worse! I prefer corpse-like silence.
  25. I remember my first blow job. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and it was deeply underwhelming.
  26. I just realized I’ve never given road head. Note to self: Find someone to give road head to.
  27. I haven’t opened my eyes in a while, but TBH, I really don’t want to see your face right now. It’s not cute.
  28. If you’re gonna say something, babe, make it original. I know it feels good. That’s why you’re hard.
  29. I need to stop wearing makeup when I do this. I can literally feel my eyeliner moving south.
  30. My mouth is slowly but surely drying up. Now I get why doctors stress the importance of staying hydrated.
  31. I wonder what it feels like to shoot something out of your penis. It always LOOKS like it hurts?
  32. How long have I been down here? I should start timing these things.
  33. Honestly, I’m bored. My tongue can only do so many things.
  34. You want me to get on my knees? What am I, an acrobat?
  35. The pubes have moved to my throat. I repeat, the pubes have moved to my throat.
  36. Can I cough them up while still being sexy? Only one way to find out...
  37. Nope, absolutely not.
  38. Sweetie, it’s been 20 minutes. If you haven’t come by now, I think that ship has sailed.
  39. Wait, I think it’s happening. You’re making that gerbil sound again.
  40. How many times do I have to tell you, “Not in my hair?”
  41. My favorite part of a blow job is when it’s over. My second favorite part is when you don’t ask for one.
  42. Alright buddy, get down there. My turn.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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