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I Can't Escape The TikTok Sex Song And I Need To Talk To Someone About It

Do you have a malfunctioning robot in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
CBAT Hudson Mohawke viral sex song reddit tiktok
PHOTO: Getty Images, Warp
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If you had told me a month ago that I’d spend my entire weekend with a random (and insufferable) beat from 2011 stuck in my head thanks to a viral TikTok… I honestly would’ve believed you because that's actually happened to me nearly every weekend for the past two years. But I’d have believed you less if you’d told me said random beat was one that a guy used to fuck his girlfriend to until she finally told him—after two (!) years (!)—it wasn’t working for her, and that he posted about his conundrum on Reddit, and then the Reddit thread went viral on TikTok, and now it’s all over the internet and… I’m just not sure what we did to deserve this. It was supposed to be a peaceful long weekend.

Let me back up.

About a week ago, a Redditor named r/TylerLife took to a subreddit called Today I Fucked Up to write that he, a 25-year-old man, felt like he was “a little stiff and pretty much had no idea what I was doing” when he first started having sex (fair!) so he made himself a sex playlist. To his credit, this is actually a very good idea—sex playlists can be a top-notch tool to improve your pace while doing the deed. But unfortunately for r/TylerLife (but mainly for r/TylerLife’s 20-year-old girlfriend) his favorite song to bang to was “Cbat” by Scottish DJ Hudson Mohawke, which is, to put it kindly, the most robo-adjacent techno beat that has ever existed in the history of EDM. (Every time I think about it, I remember that scene on Spongebob where Mr. Krabs tries to explain his favorite song to a radio DJ and all he can say is, “Beep boop boop bop beep.”) (Real ones know.) You can listen to the whole thing here.

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@redditrave Watch until the end ???? #reddit #redditstories #redditreadings #askreddit ? Cbat - Hudson Mohawke

And listen, I’m not trying to yuck anyone’s yum, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a sex and relationships editor, it’s that there are different strokes for different folks (quite, uh, literally, in this case). If you're into semi-consistent pow-pow penetration in the Optimus Prime family, I'm thrilled for you. But the point is, r/TylerLife’s girlfriend is not one of those people, and after two years of enduring this unspeakable Ex Machina-inspired robo-sex, she finally spoke up, leaving r/TylerLife’s ego wounded enough that he had no other choice but to turn to Reddit:

“I don’t understand why it has taken her two years to tell me she hates that song, it’s a good love making song with good rhythm,” he insisted wrote. (My dude, clearly, it is not.) “I feel the way I fucked up is I could have possibly asked her previously if she likes the playlist or any songs she’d like to add/change.” (Sure, that'd be one place to start.) “But to leave it for two years thinking our sex life is great but in her eyes has just been ruined by my music has left the whole situation feeling awkward and I’m a bit annoyed.” (Sir!) “I pretty much played this tune every single time so the amount of times she must have not been enjoying it, when I thought the complete opposite is annoying but also embarrassing in ways.” (????!)

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He also said he used this song during sex with previous partners and “they never complained so maybe it’s just her?” And if you thought he was done: “The other day we were having sex with no music but I was still thrusting to the tune playing in my head. She recognised this and asked me to stop.” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

There is simply no way that he genuinely believed she was enjoying this R2-D2 bang sesh unless she has the acting chops of Meryl Streep. And as easy as it would be to blame her for not speaking up sooner—which r/TylerLife pretty much did, ahem—please note that women aren’t particularly encouraged to speak up for themselves in general, much less during sex. We’ve been socialized to believe that what our partners want (especially if those partners are men) trumps our own needs and desires. Men, on the other hand, have been confidently smanging to WALL-E melodies clearing their throats and sharing what's on their minds for goddamn centuries. And like, it could have been, dare I say, hot had r/TylerLife paused for a sec to ask, “Hey, are you feeling these Terminator tunes as much as I am or...?

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The account @redditrave made a TikTok about r/TylerLife’s story that, naturally, went viral and had the entire app—nay, internet—in hysterics all weekend. People are using the sound to, for better or worse, make fun of r/TylerLife’s cluelessness and empathize with his girlfriend for what she endured for the duration of their robo-techno-infused relationship.

@kristoffdollarmy

im done

? Cbat - Hudson Mohawke
@da.vision3

“none of my other partners complained so maybe its just her” NONE???

? Cbat - Hudson Mohawke

@thejessadams Omg that poor girl ???????????????????????? #reddit #redditreading ? Cbat - Hudson Mohawke

ICYMI, r/TylerLife has since posted an update: His original thread “sadly ended” (eh?) his relationship. How is he recovering from his heartbreak, you ask? By posting the rest of his playlist, aptly titled “Lovetime,” on Youtube. On it, you will find some decently good sex songs (Kanye West’s “Fade” makes an appearance, as does Usher’s “Love in This Club”), but it is mainly more robo-adjacent garbage that makes me feel deeply, deeply sorry for his ex and her poor vag. Here's hoping she finds someone whose sex playlist is more The Weeknd-esque and less Transformers soundtrack.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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