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To My Almost Boyfriend

All my feelings for you were real.

What we had wasn’t out of convenience.

I received so much shit from people telling me that I was fooling myself, that I was only looking for a temporary source of happiness, and that ultimately, I was courting heartbreak while we were seeing each other. But let me tell you this: it wasn’t out of convenience at all. You weren't my "in-the-meantime" boy; I believed you were the boy, but it just wasn't the right time. We wanted different things and had different dreams.

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I had to make a choice.

The whole point of being in a relationship is to help each other grow as individuals. But what we had was the exact opposite. It was difficult being stuck in the grey area. I never knew exactly who or what I was in your life. Ang labo na masyado. What I needed was assurance—that you were just as invested in us as I was—and that was something you couldn’t give me. It was a difficult choice, but I had to make one—and I decided to be selfish and ultimately chose myself and my happiness. 

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It was hard to move on, but look at us now.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this—it was hell trying to move on from you, because I never got the closure that I believe I deserved. You see, because we were never official, I was never sure if I had the right to demand for closure. But look at us now, we’re both leading completely different lives, when at one point, I thought it was impossible to live mine without you. Maybe I will never get that closure I wanted so badly, because maybe, it would be better that way. Or maybe we'll see each other unexpectedly one day and things will be different. 

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Everything I felt—from the day I met you to my final heartbreak—was real.

We may have a had a pseudo-relationship, but my feelings for you were real. Whether or not yours were, I will never know. But know that mine were—completely. 

I don't regret anything. 

Thank you for taking me to the cinema when I wanted to see that movie so badly. Thank you for bringing me home after that party when my brother forgot to pick me up. Thank you for listening to me rant at my lowest points and for celebrating with me at my peak. I know we could've said goodbye in a better way, but all the good times we had totally outweigh it. I don't regret falling in love with you the way I did, because you taught me that I am capable of letting someone else into my life. You taught me to be more adventurous and not to be so cautious—and I will always be thankful for that. 

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