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To The Man I Loved And Left

"We were dragging each other along, and it was unhealthy."

I’d like to believe we met at the right time. You were someone I looked up to for being smart and extremely talented, and you inspired me to go beyond expectations. You also encouraged me to pursue my ambitions and try out other things. You were very supportive. I needed you that time a few years ago when I was still discovering myself and was very eager to excel in anything and everything. I also put a lot of pressure on myself, and you did your best to keep me calm. You always believed that I could succeed because I always have.

But I think we got together at the wrong time. You must have thought of that, too. I was immature and destructive. I wanted to get things when I wanted them—which is to say NOW! I was brimming with angst. I was negative and easily frustrated about the little things. On the other hand, you weren’t completely over your ex-girlfriend. You still wanted to hang out with her right after you broke up, and I couldn’t be comfortable with it. You could say I failed to understand your feelings or that you wanted to remain friends with her and nothing more. Maybe I should have been okay with it. Maybe I should have been less insecure about it. But I wasn’t secure at all with myself like you were. I was the jealous type. And stalking her and seeing pictures of you guys back when you were dating made me go ballistic.

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Suffice to say I wanted to be the center of your life, because I loved you and you were mine.

I also think we’re just better off as friends—not that I regret ever being with you, because I don’t at all. You’re pretty great to talk to. I think I can comfortably open up to you now that we’re not together; nothing’s at stake. We also like the same things; we find the same things cool, pretty, or ugly. We still know each other well. We both know you’re not the affectionate type (but you can be really sweet) and that I want to be with someone who is.

Breaking up with you was difficult. I cried when I did it, remember? For a week I wore black as a sign of my grief. Even if we had tons of fights when we were together, had loads of misunderstandings, and bouts of frustrations, we held on because we loved each other and wanted to keep at it. I believe that. But I had to end our relationship. There was just too much strain. You know this; you felt this. We were dragging each other along, and it was unhealthy.

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I was also someone who couldn’t be what you wanted. You wanted me to be happy and silly, but I couldn’t be anything other than serious at the time. I felt the pressure, and the more I tried to be lighthearted, the more I was boiling inside.

I also called things off between us because someone else came along. He was making me happy. Suddenly I wasn’t so serious and angry anymore.

I used to want to be sorry for ending us. But I found that it was for the best, because you deserve someone who will choose you every day. You also deserve someone who makes you happy, like being happy were the easiest and most natural thing in the world. (Although I am sorry for being such a bitch when we were together.)

I treasure what we had. We had a handful of happy days (because we mostly had bad ones, haha), but they do stand out beautifully and make me smile.

I’m glad we keep in touch like we’re old friends. There seems to be no bitterness between us. You still encourage me like you used to, and I’m here for you if you need someone who knows you well to talk to.

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Thank you for everything, the good and the bad. Thank you for being happy for me, even now that I’m with someone else.

I’m happy for you too and wish you all the best.