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10 Types Of Sex Every Man Will Have In His Life

PHOTO: Nick Onken

1. First-time sex

Everyone has to start somewhere. First-time sex is typically awkward and fumbling, and over quickly. It's less about doing well and more about just saying you did it, like when your dad ran a marathon during his midlife crisis. Ultimately what will make you navigating the awkwardness more rewarding is knowing the second time will be better.

2. Breakup sex

Breakup sex is one of those things you don't think is real until it happens to you, like seeing a ghost. Initially you would think, Why would people who just made each other really sad decide to have sex? And then it happens to you and you still don't know.

3. Angry sex 

Up until now, lovemaking was motivated by lust. But now, a strange new variety of sex enters the fray: makeup sex. You fought, you pretty much got over it, but when you have sex immediately following, you've got all this pent-up anger at each other that you will take turns taking out on each other's body. Be safe, and enjoy it.


4. His first "mind-blowing" sexual experience 

Unless he lost his virginity to some older Mrs. Robinson-type, it could be awhile before he realizes just how great sex can be. There's that one person that totally tears the lid off his can of sex drive. It's not that sex previously was bad or somehow invalidated, but it's like if you only ate at Applebee's your whole life, and then one day ate at a five-star steakhouse. It'd change your life. You'd still have fond memories of Applebee's mozzarella sticks or whatever the fuck it is people eat at Applebee's. But there's a new champ, a new standard against which all others will be measured.

5. A one-night stand

Sometimes, two people make eye contact across a bar, and they think, There's the person, I'm going to marry. Other times, people make eye contact across a bar, and they think, Eh, OK. I guess. Those people usually wind up having a one-night stand. It's like a relationship except instead, one of them runs out of the apartment as fast as they can when they wake up, stopping only to vomit into the other person's toilet so violently it clogs it. And that's all they have to remember each other by. Ships passing in the night, so to speak. A modern-day Cinderella story.


6. The "the sex is so good it makes up for the fact that you're a horrible person and we have nothing in common" sex 

You ever see a couple and you can't understand why, for the life of them, they stay together? It's because they're really, really good at fucking each other. Sometimes you meet someone, and you hate everything about them. And yet...and yet...your genitals say, "No, let's give them a chance." And somehow, in the end, both you and your genitals were right.

7. Hooking up with a friend 

There's a weird series of thoughts you have when you hook up with someone you've known for a long time. The order might be slightly different, but its essentially: "I can't believe this is happening," "I remember hanging out with you for years in school and not ever thinking we'd have sex," and then finally (but most importantly): "Oh, so that's what you look like naked." Friends-with-benefits sex is different in that it's pretty safe, there's good chemistry, and a bit of novelty involved. Hooking up with a friend is an odd exercise in sexy nostalgia. It is completely unlike having sex in a will-they-or-won't-they-type situation, since that really only happens on Friends.


8. Whiskey-dick sex 

It happens to the best of us. There will be a moment (maybe even lots of moments) where his heart is in it but his body has given up. His penis needs to sleep it off. It's disheartening in one of those "I never thought this would happen to me" kind of ways. But he needs you to be there for him. This feels like getting to Olympics for track and then your legs turn to rubber. Or you get to the Super Bowl and your dick stops working.

9. "Please come so I can come" sex

Sometimes he'll come up against someone he's having trouble getting off, or maybe he just got there way faster than they did. And the sex has stopped being about feeling good. Now it's an endurance test. It's all about holding out until his partner finishes. Just thinking about baseball and clenching every muscle in his pelvic floor as hard as possible.


10. "I didn't know I'd be that into that" sex 

Every guy has some kind of sexual kryptonite. Something that just immediately makes them orgasm. The first time that happens, the first time he's having sex and his partner just pulls something out of the playbook previously unseen, his thought process is: Hnnghhhh... oh, OK. I guess that's my thing now. I'm into that.

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This article originally appeared on Minor edits have been made by the editors.