How To Turn Your iPhone Into A Vibrator

The year is 2017 and we masturbate with the mini-computers we carry around in our pockets.
PHOTO: istockphoto

I love my iPhone so much. If I could bring five items to a desert island, all five of them would be iPhones. And I would die happy with Candy Crush going on all five phones as I drifted off into a sweet forever sleep. What I'm trying to say is the iPhone is God's perfect creation, with one notable exception: its inability to give me an orgasm. So when I heard about vibrator apps, I was like, "OMG, I can finally leave my husband." JK, my husband is wonderful and very good at sex, so I think I'll keep him, but doesn't every girl desire a little one-on-one time with herself and her favorite portable electronic? I think yes.

I scoured the iTunes store for the vibrator apps with the best reviews—since they can't explicitly say they're for ~sexy purposes~ the reviews tended to be a little dry. All the vibrator apps work by turning your iPhone itself into a vibing, pulsing pleasure palace. Of course, their effectiveness hinges on the strength of your iPhone's ability to vibrate, so that's something to keep in mind. APPLE, ARE YOU LISTENING? LET'S TAKE THIS THING TO 100.

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That said, there are a myriad of apps on the market promising special capabilities. And so I tested out a few to see exactly which ones delivered and which ones left me drier than the Mojave.

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Here are the three apps I tried:

1. Perfect Mobile Massager for Your Beauty and Health, free.

This app has literally thousands of positive reviews so they can't all be wrong, right? It promises to massage "sore muscles" (read: your vag) and leave you feeling "relaxed and calm" (read: post-orgasmic). 

First, it must be noted, that free apps are bullshit because of the ads. This thing is serving you an ad every 10 seconds, and it'll be for stuff like ugly outfits for basic B-words. But thankfully, the ads don't stop the vibration, so they're not of concern, except when you're changing speeds, and then it can get annoying.

PMMFYBAH has three settings: a steady vibration, a pulsing vibration, and a super-fast pulsing vibration. WARNING: Right above the buttons for various vibration speeds is another one to share the app with friends, so essentially, you could hit the wrong button and recommend your vibrator app to your high school science teacher.

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This app feels ...OK. Kinda like how it feels when a call is on vibrate and it's in my lap. I mean, it's a sensation, but it's no magic wand, yaknowwhatimean? I tried pushing it into my private parts harder when it was vibing, and it felt fine. Like, kinda good? But not so good that I wanna stand here with my legs spread and pressing my iPhone to my cooter. I tried the different vibes (Carefully! Again, I didn’t want to send it to my nana!) and it was all just OK. On a horniness scale of 1 (holding lola's hand while walking with her) to 10 (grinding at a club), I was at at a 3? I mean, I didn't hate it, but the rewards were not great enough to justify how insane you look pushing your iPhone into your underwear.

Did I orgasm? No.

2. iVibe Vibrating Massager, free with in-app purchases.

This one also has three settings—regular pulse, fast pulse, and FULL SPEED. And again with the ads! (But I guess if you're holding it downtown the whole time, it doesn't really matter.)

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I went straight for Full Speed because this isn't amateur hour. But I still felt nothing.

I decided to spring for the extra moolah because I'm made of money to try some of the other speeds. I downloaded the packet, which included eight new speeds, and I cycled through them and was met with the initial issue of the vibration just not being strong enough. Also, every time you want to switch speeds/patterns, you have to lift your phone back out, and that can really ruin momentum. 

It's not to say there's nothing; there is definitely tingle, and if I try to get into the pervy mind-set, I can get turned on a little, but it's not exactly enough to get me ~there~. 

Did I orgasm? Nope! And I’m getting frustrated!

3. iMassage U - Vibrating Massager, free with in-app purchases.

Again, this one has ads and limited vibing settings unless you fork over the additional $1.99 (about P100.66). Again, it's fully unsatisfying.

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I took this one out into the wild and slipped it between my legs while riding the bus and accomplished two things: (1) I felt like a for-real idiot, and (2) the bumps from the bus hitting the uneven areas of the road (Thanks EDSA!) was definitely a more sexually thrilling experience. I rode one stop and turned back around! I've been routinely fucked by public transportation but this isn't one of those times.

Did I orgasm? NO! UGH!

Final Thoughts

Meh. I mean, putting a buzzing feeling near That Which Is Most Sacred will always feel kinda good, but in their current iteration, the vibe apps just aren't strong enough to deliver peak sexual satisfaction.

Maybe if you have an extremely sensitive clitoris, these might work. But if you require some manual (or electronic) stimulation to get off, these things won't get you there. Most of the apps are free though, so you might as well download one and find out for yourself. Hey, most good actual vibrators cost over $100 (about P5,058.50), so if on the off chance the vibe apps drive you crazy, you can send me all the money you save! You're welcome!

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This article originally appeared on Minor edits have been made by the editors.

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