What Guys Hate Most About Every Sex Position

You will never think of doggy style the same way again.
PHOTO: Chris Clinton

To be perfectly clear: virtually everyone loves sex. But to quote Poison-era Bret Michaels, “Every rose has its thorn.” Think of this as the “con” list to just every common sex position, according to dudes. Every man is different, every man’s penis is different, and they’re going to have their own preferences, but here are some sex gripes most of them can agree on.

1. Missionary.

If there’s anything negative to say about missionary, it’s that it’s so common. It’s boring in the same way bread and butter is boring. You can still have a really good bread and butter experience at a restaurant, but it’s going to get eclipsed by the main course. The other problem here is that it puts all the onus on the guy. So take that same bread and butter scenario, except now, even though it’s enjoyable, eating the bread is also making your butt muscles cramp up and you’re trying really hard not to finish from the 10th minute to the 15th minute of eating said bread.

2. Doggy style.

 Ah, doggy-style. It’s a fan favorite. Everyone loves it, even your parents probably. If there was one major con to doggy-style, it’s that you and your parents probably both love it and now you’re going to think about that the next time you’re going at it doggy-style and now it’s ruined for you. Sorry about that.

3. Cowgirl.

 There are a lot of pros to this position, but there is one con that outweighs all of them. It’s the easiest position to break his dick in. His penis can slip out, you can be going at it vigorously, and you slam down on it hard. Worst case, it means a trip to the ER. But even best case, it means sex is probably over for a few hours.

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4. Shower sex.

You’re likely standing. It’s wet, it’s slippery. He’s likely got one foot propped up on the side of the bath for leverage. Shampoo bottles are rolling underfoot. Water is spraying in his eyes, blinding him. Think about this: tons of people injure themselves in the bathroom every year, and all they’re doing is washing themselves off and standing still. Having sex in the shower is inviting the grim reaper to come walk in on you naked.

5. Spooning.

Depending on how long you’re going at it for, his arm can fall asleep. It’s not a bad sex position, but it’s also not ideal for a lot of guys, and not one he might like utilizing for a long time. It doesn’t lend itself well to marathon sex sessions. Also, it's really hard to stare at your boobs from this angle.

6. Reverse cowgirl. 

Same as cowgirl, but now also women can get self-conscious that you’re looking at their buttholes and ask to change positions. So there’s that.

7. Sitting up. 

It’s fun and novel until one of you knees the other in the fucking face. Any sex position that could look like you’re in the middle of a heated wrestling match is probably not the ideal sex position. Plus, unless he’s got his back up against a wall for support, this is going to tire him out quick.

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8. 69ing. 
This is an incredibly intimate sex position. For some people, that's problem enough. For others, it’s the idea of putting your full weight on someone, or having their full weight on you. And yet, for others still… it’s just the idea that your faces are essentially in each other’s butts. And that's enough.

9. Handjobbin’.

Handjobs are the worst. They’re like bottled water. Why walk down the street and buy an overpriced bottle that really doesn't taste any different than tap water when you can just do it yourself at home?

Follow Frank on Twitter.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors. 

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