DISCLAIMER: My editor told me I only get one use of the term "tittyfucking" per article (and I just used it there), so from here on out I'll be using the term "breast sex." Just roll with it. I wanted to use the phrase "hiding the zucchini amongst the cauliflower" but apparently that's too obtuse. So just "breast sex."
1. Oh, my penis is sort of resting on your breasts.
This is how breast sex usually starts. No one sets out to have breast sex on purpose. Your bodies just kind of fall in such a way that you're like, "might as well," in much the same way you'd pull over at a roadside attraction during a cross-country road trip.
2. All right, I guess we're trying this.
You know what they say: "When in Boobs, do as the Romans do." (The Romans were all about breast sex, probably.)
3. Can you squeeze your boobs together tighter?
A lot tighter. Otherwise I'm just kind of rubbing my crotch on you like a pervert.
4. Sorry, I keep hitting your chin.
But if I was any gentler, I'd just be resting my penis on you.
5. And now I'm kind of jabbing into your sternum.
It feels like I'm trying to murder you with my penis. This angle isn't working either.
6. There's no way you're enjoying this.
I know this is solely done for me, and I appreciate that.
7. This is cool, but...weird.
It feels kind of like I'm putting my penis between two couch cushions, WHICH I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE. I'M JUST GUESSING THIS IS A SIMILAR SENSATION.
8. Maybe I should play with your boobs instead.
At least then I'll be doing something that benefits you.
9. The best part about this is definitely the bouncing.
10. Will you be offended if I stop now?
I feel like if I tap out before 30 seconds, you'll think I hate your boobs or something.
11. I guess this is a bit of a novelty.
Breast sex is like driving with your car windows down. It's fun, but once you really want to take it on the highway and hit top speed, you probably shouldn't be doing it. What I'm saying is, it's not going to make you ejaculate.
12. I feel like I'm kind of wiping my butt on your stomach.
Like a dog.
13. Do you mind putting the tip in your mouth?
I think it would help a little.
14. OK, now maybe just do the mouth part.
Let's just...yep...this is getting results.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.