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8 Thoughts Guys Have Right Before Getting A Blow Job

Once he knows a blow job is on the table, it's best not to ask him to solve any complex math problems.
PHOTO: Alexa Miller

1. “I’m about to get a blow job. This is the greatest day of my life.” 

Thats the overriding thought here. There really isn’t much going through a guy’s head beyond fixating that he’s going to get to orgasm soon. Maybe not in a verbal sense. It’s not like his inner monologue is chanting “blow job!” over and over. So while he might not be verbalizing it in his head, he’s mostly just thinking about how great his life is right now. Once he knows a blow job is on the table, it’s best not to ask him to solve any complex math problems or read for comprehension.

2. “Is this just for me, or is this going to lead to sex?” 

This is an important piece of information to try and clarify, but at the same time asking it out loud can put a damper on things. Still, it’s necessary to figure out. Leaving it ambiguous can lead to two equally awkward situations. Either he ejaculates and you didn’t want him to, which means he's basically done fooling around and you’re left disappointed. Or, he’s holding off expecting things to move on, in which case you’re left impatient and sore of jaw.

3. “When was the last time I groomed?” 

If there hasn’t been any maintenance down there recently, it can strike fear into your heart. It’s the same kind of fear you get when your boss or professor asks you for an assignment you haven’t done. It’s like having someone over when your place is messy. Sure, you can still hang out, but it’s embarrassing. If his balls are a sweaty, hairy mess well… you might not visit his place again any time soon (to be clear: you won’t put your mouth on his penis).


4. “Should I blow my nose?” 

This thought might never cross his mind, but if it does, it’ll stay there. Can you see right up his nose from where you are? Is it gross and full of dry snot? Blow jobs are a man at his most vulnerable, and not just because you have his penis centimeters away from your teeth.

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5. “Should I take my socks off?” 

Honestly, what is proper etiquette here? It’s probably ideal to strip the pants all the way off, but what about socks? On the one hand, it seems weird to leave them on. On the other, it seems like a waste of time bending down to get them off.

6. “Are we doing this standing, seated, or lying down?” 

This is also important to note, especially considering the environment. A bedroom blow job will probably be executed lying on the bed, whereas one in the middle of the woods will be standing.

7. “Where do you want me to finish?” 

Another instance where these rules should probably be established way in advance. And yet, they won’t. Instead, he’ll wind up screaming it out frantically 10 seconds before impact.

8. “Why am I overanalyzing this prospective blow job so much?” 

This is pretty neurotic.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.