1. When he says, "That sex was really good," he MEANS, "Let's always have sex like that. Always."
Whatever you guys did this time, that should become the golden standard.
2. When he breathlessly whispers, "Holy shit," he MEANS, "That was a borderline religious experience."
This is the real stamp of approval. If he looks like he just ran a marathon, that's like, easily top three sexual experiences. Or he's really out of shape. Does heart disease run in his family? Urge him to have a physical, especially if he hasn't had one in a while, but also the sex was great.
3. When he says, "I need to go to sleep," he MEANS, "Seriously, I am exhausted. Let me sleep."
He's tired. You just sucked all the energy out of his body, mind, and dick.
4. When he asks, "Where did you learn that?" he MEANS, "What porn sites have you been hitting up?"
He's gonna need to check them out for research purposes.
5. When he says, "We need to change the sheets," he MEANS, "I am going to change these sheets a month earlier than I planned to, but probably in, like, three weeks."
The best sex is the sex where you can mutually acknowledge the grossness but don't even care.
6. When he says, "Let's just keep this between us," he MEANS, "Sex happens. It's no big deal ... right?"
It might sound foreboding, but it's not. Whether you queefed a bunch or he finished in 30 seconds, stuff happens. It's sex. Whenever you fuck, you're essentially making a secret pact with your genitals that whatever goes on stays between the two of you. It's like a blood oath, except ... a fluids oath.
7. When he says, "I just forgot that I have to go do something," he MEANS, "This really isn't working."
If he leaves right after sex, it's either because he's a piece of shit or he forgot his brother's wedding is in 15 minutes. It's pretty much a red flag either way.
8. When he says, "Was everything OK?" he MEANS, "I don't want to admit I'm a virgin and I'm hoping you can't tell."
It's probably better to just call him out on it if it's obvious. Why make him think he's harboring a terrible lie? Just make sure you know with 100 percent certainty, otherwise asking a guy, "That was your first time, wasn't it?" is likely to traumatize him.
9. When he says, "That was...different," he MEANS, "That was worth a shot, but let's just not do that ever again."
That's his very gentle way of saying, "Don't stick your finger in my butt when I'm about to come ever again." Frankly, he should be comfortable enough to just tell you that outright, but it sounds like you're having sex with a pretty nice guy who doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
10. When he says, "I did not think I'd be into that," he MEANS, "Thanks for introducing me to that, can we do it again in 10 minutes?"
Good job, you little deviant. You recruited another one to the dark side of whatever it is you're into. It's people like you that are the reason "incognito mode" was invented on browsers. Be proud of that.