You'll have what you think is an above-average first date, full of great conversation (aka very minimal phone-checking) and a lengthy makeout session in a conveniently located park. He'll already suggest a venue for date two, leaving out the fact that he won't be free any of the five nights you are, and won't ever propose a time that works for him. Aries's adventurousness is what won you over in the first place; however that spontaneity = only responding when he feels like it. "Gotta check my sched" are the words that will haunt you for years to come.
Taurus: The Semi-Secret Admirer
Somewhere along your doomed dating timeline, he added you on various social media platforms, which are now your only forms of contact. He won't answer a text, but he's always down to fave a tweet, peppering your Newsfeed with little reminders that you're hilarious and engaging, but just not dateable for some reason. Taurus loves reliability in his life, and he will reliably make you feel like garbage by reminding you he's still around, just not interested.
Gemini: The Slightly-More-Friendly Ghost
Is it truly ghosting if he just slowly bores you to death with the most generic responses (after you've had some really deep talks and you know he's more interesting than this)? Because Gemini worries about coming off as a jerk, his form of ghosting is a polite slow fade, where he'll just say "yeah" a lot and cease to ask you any questions, miraculously making you the ghoster in the end as you save yourself from the monotony of endless "lols."
Cancer: The Quarterly Spook
Cancer tends to fluctuate in his moods a lot and is more of a seasonal ghost, where you'll only hear from him around the holidays or when summer starts, or really anytime where he might feel a little lonelier than usual. At most, you'll hook up again and then have him disappear until next time, like a groundhog of dating. His shadow magically appears during your worst dry spells.
Leo: The LinkedIn Lurker
He'll cut communication (or so you thought) until maybe a year or two later when he realizes he can try and connect for a job opportunity or other favor. If you see him at a party, the career-driven and overly bold Leo will try and network with you as if nothing ever happened. But hey, at least you can bask in that feeling of professional superiority to overcome the mind-numbing pain of all those unanswered texts! Hahahaha! Who's crying, what?
Virgo: The Ghost Who Flunked Ghosting School
Because Virgo wants to please everyone and be reliable, he'll still respond when you ask to hang out ... two weeks later. Fine, you get it, he's not ~that~ into you — he's just trying to be nice. Except he also is insistent on hanging out this weekend, or next week. "Great, what time?" you ask, naively thinking an actual date may come to fruition. Spoiler: He won't say when, until, you guessed it, two weeks later. "I really do want to hang out though!" Who is this guy and how has he made it this far in life anyway?
Libra: The Phantom of the Unopened Text
You'll be in the middle of one of those text convos where each person responds with several paragraphs, diving into childhood memories and lifelong fears and everything else that makes texting briefly resemble 19th century love letters. Only thing is, there's no excuse of lost mail or dying horses to justify a complete and sudden conversational halt. And because the texts got so personal, you'll wonder what you actually said to make him unpredictably lose interest out of nowhere. So fun for you!! Really though, Libra is just kind of hot and cold about who he likes, so don't take it personally.
Scorpio: The Supernaturally Un-embarassed
He'll do something like accidentally like a photo of you from two years ago or swipe right on you on Tinder, making you believe the lines of communication are about to open again. Surely, he's still thinking about you! And to a certain extent, yes, since he's doing some deep digging into your vacation photos from four years ago. But that's just who Scorpio is: a little secretive and prone to wanting to keep tabs. His calling card will always be "unintentional Instagram fave from 2014."
Sagittarius: The Friend-Approved Ghost
Sagittarius can be a bit impulsive and unaware of how his actions impact other people. He's that guy who asks your friends about you, and they will excitedly repeat his questions to you in detail, until you finally give him your number. There's just one problem: After exchanging a few nervous "hey"s over text, you won't hear from him, and the next time you see him, he'll avoid eye contact. Your less-informed friends will naturally ask for all the dirty details, further rubbing salt in the wound.
Capricorn: The One Who (Literally) Got Away (No, Really, Where Did He Go?)
This ghost knows no bounds and will actually float away in the middle of regularly dating you. Capricorns can be selfish and unexpectedly pessimistic about their dating lives, a combination with disastrous results. While there may be gray areas for Tinder conversations and second dates, there's no justifiable reason to leave a relationship (or anything where you're seeing each other multiple times a week for months on end) without an in-person chat. If Berger from Sex and the City left a Post-it, this guy just leaves a kissy face emoji and then radio silence, forever.
Aquarius: The Half-Dead Ghost
The free-floating, emotionally detached Aquarius is the equivalent of Slimer from Ghostbusters: mostly harmless, but incredibly annoying, as the only texts you'll ever get from him are the ever-creative "u up?" Friday 2 a.m.-ers. If you choose to respond, you must do so within 30 minutes—any morning follow-ups will be met with zero acknowledgement, until next time. Ah, modern romance.
Pisces: The Ghoul With the Girlfriend
He'll surprise you when he ghosts after a few dates, but in a few weeks' time, you'll see his new (or reunited ex-) girlfriend in his photos, giving you far more than the thousand words you wanted when he rejected you in the first place. Pisces is a dreamer and just happens to be so romantic that he's ready to leap into a new relationship while maybe starting one with you. Oh well. At least the mystery's solved?
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.