12 Things Guys Think Happen When Women Masturbate

"An ocean breeze blows in, teasing their hair, even if they leave nowhere near the ocean."

1. Guys think: They have to really get "in the mood." Masturbation for women involves getting really psyched up. Maybe you've got a slow-jam, sexy pump-up mix you need to listen to first. I don't think women are just like, "Time to jerk off for five minutes while I wait for this oven to preheat."

Reality: Usually, yep, that's pretty much how it goes. 

2. Guys think: They have a selection of sex toys kept in a velvet-lined box. I'd like to think they're tucked away behind a fake painting/vault and treated with care. I don't know, I feel like if I owned a sex toy, it'd be under my bed and covered in dust, but that's not sanitary.

Reality: I can't speak for every woman, but mine never end up in their boxes, even though I have one. They usually just end up propped up against my window. 

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3. Guys think: They pick a sex toy based on their mood. Each one probably offers up a different experience, I guess? I picture them looking like James Bond gadgets or something.

Reality: I usually have a current favorite, so, again, pretty spot-on. 

4. Guys think: They light candles. They prepare their perfectly clean, all-white canopy bed. An ocean breeze blows in, teasing their hair, even if they leave nowhere near the ocean.

Reality: Ain't nobody got time for that!

5. Guys think: They take a shower. You need to be completely clean for this.

Reality: This has never happened to me in my life. 

6. Guys think: They get all naked. No socks or shirt or anything. That just seems right.

Reality: Sometimes we barely even take our pants off. 

7. Guys think: They lie down on their perfectly clean bed on top of their covers. No hunching over in a chair or something. Your hair splayed out perfectly across the bed, shimmering under the noonday sun.

Reality: Yes, accurate, I always look like Rapunzel herself. Never stop believing that.

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8. Guys think: They go to town on themselves. And it's awesome.

Reality: No, we masturbate delicately until we fall asleep from boredom. Of course we "go to town." Isn't that what masturbation is?

9. Guys think: It lasts, like, three hours. If guys could have multiple orgasms, I imagine we'd basically never stop, so why wouldn't women take advantage of this?

Reality: Man, this really depends. Some women take hours to have an orgasm, others can do it in a matter of minutes. Basically, it lasts as long as it takes. 

10. Guys think: They have multiple orgasms. Like, nine, or something.

Reality: Most women have one. Or none. Or a couple. Nine would be amazing. 

11. Guys think: A rainbow forms over their head and they let out a contented giggle. The perfect ending to a perfect masturbation session. When guys masturbate, it's all sweat and awkward, heavy breathing. I picture women masturbating like the scene in Cinderella where all the forest animals dress her except, like, weirder.

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Reality: Frank, what is wrong with you?

12. Guys think: They fall asleep like a baby. You sink into your white down comforter with a satisified sigh.

Reality: My comforter is multi-colored, but yes.


This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors. 

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