1. What are you going to do if we need to run from a pack of wolves? Seriously, what if there's some kind of emergency and you have to do anything other than briskly walk? If there's an earthquake, and the ground opens and swallows you up like it's the endtimes, I'm going to look like a total D-bag for being 200 feet ahead of you in a wild sprint, even though I'm not the one in heels when an apocalyptic earthquake could happen at literally any time.
2. Wait, don't you already have those shoes, just in a different color? I honestly can't tell if those are an entirely new shoe, or if it's a shoe I know you already have, just in a different color.
3. WAIT, DON'T YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT COLOR SHOE? OK, I know that's a different shoe, but I know you have that color. Why do you have so many heels?
4. How much do they cost? I don't even want to know. Keep in mind that what I have on my feet right now would also be acceptable inside a freshman dorm shower.
5. Here's a thought: If your shoe is so uncomfortable that you have to bring an alternative pair of shoes, why not just start the night off in those shoes. That way, you don't have to carry a second pair of shoes around in your purse all night. Just put the flats on, and you're done.
6. Oh, great. Now you're taller than me. Don't lie. I know you bought those shoes just so you could get a few inches on me. I don't like this power play. I don't like it one bit.
7. Don't they make shoes equally as fancy with a decidedly unequal chance of making your toes go numb? They must. I feel certain they must.
8. Are you mad we went to a fancy restaurant and now your feet hurt? Don't blame me. How is this my fault just because I picked the restaurant? I chose this place, yeah, but I didn't choose your footwear.
9. Are you really going to make me carry you? And your shoes? Can't you hold the shoes while I carry you? It's a mile walk back to my apartment.
10. Yes, I get that they're fancy. I also don't care. You could wear those plastic hospital slippers and it'd take me an hour to notice.
11. Wait, I just found out they lift your butt. I get it now. High heels are fine.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.