Anyone who has ever tried to take their boyfriend shopping for a new look knows that it's much easier said than done. They are just so damned stubborn. And who suffers? You, that's who! After all, to quote Dionne from Clueless, you're the one who has to look at him.
1. His hat collection feels like an assault on your eyes.
Baseball caps of the non-trucker variety and beanies are fine—they're straightforward and functional, and a guy can wear one without looking like he's trying too hard—but once he starts busting out the fedoras, it's time for an intervention. Ideally one involving an open flame.
2. He lets pretty much anyone cut his hair.
The relationship between hairstylist and client is sacrosanct. You know this. Your boyfriend, however, just walks into the nearest barber shop and puts his name down for the next available hairdresser. Sometimes he comes out looking OK. Other times, not so much.
3. He's too lazy to shave with any regularity.
Even if beards are not your thing, you can tell when a man cares about his and is taking steps to maintain it. Then there is that patchy mess your dude is rocking. Not only does the way it creeps down his neck make him look sloppy, but that rough, stubbly growth irritates your delicate skin to the point where you almost don't want to kiss him.
4. He can't even wear a tie properly.
A Windsor knot is a beautiful thing and it's actually really easy to execute. Then there is that lazy, hipster B.S. most men do, aka the four-in-hand knot, which always ends up looking lopsided and a little sloppy, no matter how well it's tied. Even if he is wearing a nice suit, that knot just ruins the whole look. It's like the basic bitch of tie knots.
5. He wears horrifying man jewelry.
The number of men who think they can pull off jewelry is much greater than the number of men who actually can. It doesn't matter if it is made of hemp or gold, man jewelry is just bad news in general. There are a few notable exceptions, like wedding bands, watches, tie bars, and cuff links, but even these only really work when guys control their natural, tacky impulses.
6. His suit fits like sweats.
Why is it so loose? Does he think he's supposed to leave room to grow into it? You try to explain that suits are supposed to be fitted and steer him toward a more tailored silhouette, but he immediately starts squirming and complaining about how tight and uncomfortable it is. Good lord! The way he goes on, you'd think he were wearing a bodycon dress lined in metal spikes.
7. He just loves a graphic T-shirt.
Graphic T-shirts are the lowest form of humor, and yet, he loves them so much that he layers them over long-sleeve T-shirts so that he can display them proudly, even when it's cold outside.
8. He wears gym/sports clothing whenever and wherever.
It's all bad, but the basketball shorts are the worst. Especially since he wears them with boxers so literally everyone can see the outline of his junk. We get it, dude. You have a penis. You can dress sporty without looking like you forgot your cup at home.
9. His devotion to relaxed fit or boot-cut jeans is as disturbing as it is unwavering.
You know he would look better in something more fitted that tapered slightly toward the ankle, but when you suggest he try a slim-fit jean, he looks at you like you just asked him to make out with your brother. At this point, even getting him into a basic straight-fit style would be a major accomplishment.
10. The only tight-fitting piece of clothing he wears is a tight white tank top.
Not that there is anything wrong with tanks, per se. It's just those skin-tight, ribbed white ones that are so incurably trashy. Paired with his oversize shorts, at best, he ends up looking like an extra on Jersey Shore.
11. His shoe collection consists solely of worn-out sneakers, square-toed dress shoes, mandals, and certain molded-plastic clogs that shall remain nameless.
On the off chance that you do manage to get him into a nice lace-up Oxford or brogue, all he does is complain about how uncomfortable they are. As if his discomfort can even hold a candle to yours in your vertigo-inducing high heels.
12. He wears athletic socks with everything.
His every step is accompanied by a flash of white cotton tube sock. Even when he's wearing dress pants. He's not doing it to hurt you, but it feels like a slap in the face. It really does.
13. He can't ever just dress nicely.
It's really not that hard for guys to dress well. They just need to keep it simple and resist the urge to get "creative" with some loud, wacky print or weird, off-the-wall accessory. It's not that these things can't look good in the right context, but that's some advanced styling shit and bless his little heart, but he's still just a novice.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.