18 Bikini Problems Every Woman Understands

Whose body is this even built for?!

1. When you're not the same size on top as you are on the bottom, but you can't buy them separately. Sometimes, you can buy the top and the bottom separately, which is great because odds are, you're two completely different sizes there. But the bikinis whose parts can't be purchased separately are usually the cutest ones you want more than anything, but you can't buy them because bikinis are cruel and weird sometimes.

2. When you're tall and the bottoms barely come above your crotch. As a tall person myself, I can't tell you how many times I've tried on bikini bottoms and been like, "Haha, yeah, no," because it barely covered my whole vag or butt, which means I'd have to spend the whole day pulling it up or, let's be honest, probably losing it the second I get in the water.

3. Constantly having to pull down the wedgie that never ends. No matter how well your suit fits, your butt will still, without fail, suck in your bikini bottoms like a butt vortex and you still spend the whole day trying to remove it from the vortex. It is the law.


4. How it fits when it's dry is not how it fits after you get in the water. You'd think by now they would've invented bathing suit material that doesn't swell up and peel itself off your body the second you hit the pool.

5. Stuffing the strings into tight shorts, creating the most VPL ever. Which just ends up looking like you have soda straws stuck to your butt aka a hot look.

6. When your skirt bottom floats up and looks ridiculous the second you go in the water. Great. Now I'm surrounded by a circle of material everywhere I go in this pool.

Continue reading below ↓

7. That size large actually fits like a small. How is this 4-inch-by-4-inch swatch of material made for a size large butt?! I call bullshit.

8. When you can't adjust the band that goes across your back. So we can adjust at the neck but not at the back? Because all backs are the same size? Seriously who is designing these? Are there better bathing suits out there I don't know about? If so, hit me up.

9. Big waves are awful, because every time they come I feel like I am going to be panty-less very soon. Beach waves are the bullies of the sea.


10. The nine levels of hair removal that are socially required. Don't get me wrong; if you don't want to touch a single hair on your body, you do not have to ever. But every woman knows that socially it's implied that we'll be beach monsters if we don't wax and trim and bleach everything south of our navel before putting on a bikini, and it is exhausting.

11. Razor burn on your junk because you didn't want to wax. If you chose to shave your vulva with a razor, congratulations! You have almost 100 percent definitely given yourself an endless sea of red bumps you will itch through your bikini for the entirety of the day.

12. Constantly checking to make sure that little boob-triangle is still where it is supposed to be. Also, no one's breasts are triangle-shaped! No one's. So no matter what you do, your breasts are going to try to escape through one side or the other. This is truly where women with small breasts are queens because usually they do not have that problem. Bless you all.

13. There is nowhere to hide. If you have body parts you feel weirdly about or feel like being modest, a bikini hears that and laughs in your face. Glass half full though, the only way to get through wearing a bikini is to fully accept yourself on some level, which is incredibly freeing.

Continue reading below ↓

14. Getting out of the pool and having to stop by the edge first to pull your bottoms up and your top down. Women in movies who get out of the pool without doing those things are lying to you. Lying.

15. If you wear a bunch of different styles of bikinis on one trip, your body looks like a tan line ropes course. So many tan lines that make so little sense.

 

16. You will always get a sunburn on that little patch of skin between your bathing suit edge and your armpit. It matters not what you do. This is your fate. It is our fate.

17. Even the smallest of bikinis can end up costing around P3,000 even though it's basically made from fabric scraps. And don't tell me it's because of the design. You put a piece of string on a vulva-shaped piece of cotton. That's all.

18. Sandcrotch. This is real, everyone.

***

This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

Sorry, no results were found for