Being Grade-Conscious vs. Having The Ultimate College Experience: Can You Really Have It All?

For the 19 years of my life that I've been in school, I have been conscious of my grades—worrying (or, let's be honest, being excited because you bet I studied for it) about what score I got on an exam, reciting earnestly in classes, and sucking up to teachers to make sure they liked me.

Countless nights spent doing homework and studying. Long days locked up in my room, hunched over a desk, a pool of light from a lamp spilling over the notes scattered across the hardwood.

They were all worth it, though, whenever the honor roll came out: Going to campus, making a beeline for the lobby to see the bulletin boards posted. Finding the piece of paper with your section on it—the one that would determine your mood for the day. And finally, looking up at the post from the top and moving down—only a bit—until you see your name. 

True, unadulterated bliss. Well, at least for a grade-conscious person like me.

I was just raised that way—bred for excellence, taught never to settle for anything below second honors. As much as I'd love to say it was my parents who pressured me to get good grades (as the Asian stereotype goes), that wouldn't be entirely true, either.

I always did it for myself. It was just a bonus if it made my parents happy.

I won't pretend it was anything but difficult. Being grade-conscious takes a toll on a person: Sure, the high grades give you a consequent rush, but similarly, every carelessly missed point over what should've been an easy question—something you should've known but somehow didn't—is heartbreaking.

Back in high school, I remember having a conversation with a friend who was in college at the time—in the University of the Philippines Diliman (UPD), no less! She was just like me—grade consciousness running in her veins—but she told me that she promised herself when she entered college, she'd let that part of herself go.

So on that day, I made the same deal with myself. After all, I was tired of obsessing over my grades, of stressing over groupmates who didn't pull their own weight or did subpar work, of planning how to give not just my 100% but 101% to any assignment.

Honestly, it sounded freeing. A breath of fresh air. College, just wait until I get to you…

In elementary school, I graduated salutatorian.

In senior high school, I graduated valedictorian.

And now here I am, about to graduate from college, vying (and largely struggling to) for that Summa Cum Laude title.

So yeah, I broke my promise.

When I arrived at UPD, doe-eyed and new to everything, it didn't feel all that different. I was still striving for the best grades, still trying to give only the best of what I could do.

I'm something of an addict—there's just such a satisfying rush of endorphins when you see that crisp uno on your transcript. (In UPD, a one is the highest grade you can get.)

But there's more to college than just grades, right? Isn't college the time to let go and have fun? Isn't it when you experiment, meet new people, and just live life a bit?

Can you really have all that when you're busy collecting unos, chasing Latin honors?

The truth is, it depends, I guess.

As with most things in life, it's a balance. It's missing some hangouts because you have to study for an exam, but it's also staying a bit later after classes to chill with friends, even though you have a mountainous to-do list waiting for you at home. 

And, honestly, the harder truth to accept is that even if you give your all to your studies, there are just some things that are out of your control. 

Sometimes, only one professor will be offering the subject you need to take for that semester—oh, and guess what, she's that one terror prof everyone would avoid at all costs, the one who does "darts grading."

Sometimes, important family matters come up, forcing you to miss some classes and thereby giving up the plus-points incentive for the final exam your prof promised for those with perfect attendance.

Sometimes, you get stuck with groupmates who just don't care as much as you. Or sometimes, one of the subjects in your curriculum is just something you're not good at, no matter how much you try. Or sometimes, you just get desperate for units during enlistment and take whatever you can get.

There is a lot of luck that goes into getting good grades, and when you start realizing that, you also start realizing that there's not much point in being all-work-and-no-play, when, at the end of the day, you might not even get the optimal result because there will always be things out of your control.

If you asked me, sure, there are some days that I wish I wasn't so grade-conscious—that I wish I could be more like my friends and care more about how much I could learn from a prof as opposed to how "uno-able" they are. I’ll admit, it sounds incredibly refreshing, even enticing, to just live life as it comes.

But I am also me. It's easy to say on paper you won't be conscious of your grades anymore, but it's not so easy to let go of a part of you that's been there since kindergarten. 

I'm trying, though—trying to accept that some things are beyond my control, that my best could just not be enough for some, and that there's more to life than numbers on a page.

Looking back at my college experience (which is ending in a few more months), I don't have any regrets. My being grade-conscious never interfered with my social life (actually, my introverted nature and social anxiety interfered way more, but that's a story for another day), and it never hindered me from having fun, like I initially feared.

So, yeah, maybe you can have it all after all.