What The Heck Is A Performative Male And How Do You Know If You're Dating One?

A new SadBoi Variant has entered the chat.

Published on Aug 6, 2025

PHOTO: (left to right) TikTok/stephenlegaspii, TikTok/tenuedeattire

You know those men who seem a little too emotionally available? The ones who say all the right things about feminism, trauma, and healing—but somehow still leave you emotionally exhausted? (🫣) TikTok has a name for them now: performative males. Yep, a new SadBoi Variant has entered the chat.

At first, he seems like your dream guy: he's emotionally intelligent, respects your boundaries, and remembers all the little, seemingly mundane things you tell him. But give it time, and the cracks start to show. He's not really interested in being a good guy—he just wants to be seen as one. And then it hits you: the guy's just performing, and his crowd? You.

Let's hear it for the Man of the Year. *cue Lorde audio* 🫠

What's a performative male?

The term "performative male" refers to a man who appears to have it all: self-aware, feminist, emotionally intelligent, and socially conscious... but only when it benefits him. He doesn't do these things sincerely—he just performs and acts like he is. It's less about being actually emotionally evolved, and more about appearing emotionally evolved—whether that's online, in conversations, or on dates he goes on.

Performative male isn't really a new concept either. Remember when sad boys (alternatively: sadbois) were a thing? (And they still are a thing, sadly.) While they take vulnerability and weaponize it, performative males want to be applauded for the things that should come naturally to functional, emotionally intelligent adults.

The performative male starter pack

Performative males come in all shapes and sizes, but TikTok videos have given us a funny and lighthearted starter pack that'll help you spot 'em in the wild, lol. Here are some of their common characteristics, according to TikTok.

He always has a matcha latte in hand, which he tells you comes from a "hole-in-the-wall, niche café" that "you probably haven't tried yet." (Spoiler: It's Yardstick.)

His favorite tambayan? The bathtub smoking area in Cubao Expo.

There's at least one anik-anik hanging from his baggy jeans—bonus points if it's Miffy or any Sanrio character. There's probably also a carabiner holding his keys and even more(!) keychains.

Feminist paperbacks and self-help books are essential for him—his current reads are probably The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and Atomic Habits by James Clear.

You'll be able to hear him coming from a mile away, thanks to the many anik-aniks jangling on his canvas tote bag—thrifted, ofc!

He's a big wired earphones enthusiast because he's "old school." What's he listening to? Probably Laufey, Clairo, Phoebe Bridgers, or Beabadoobee.

He calls movies "films" and constantly plugs his Letterboxd reviews on Instagram Stories. His last watch? Probably Anora or American Psycho.

There's no shortage of silver rings, bracelets, and necklaces on him at all times.

Screw just knowing your main zodiac sign—he knows his Big 3, and probably also has tarot readings on his FYP.

@flolerigolol
performative male #humor Recorded after the performative male contest in KL botanical garden.
♬ original sound - flolerigolo - flolerigolo

How do you know you're dealing with a performative male?

While the starter pack was just a lighthearted way to paint a picture of what performative males may look like, they are still very much real and out there. He says things like "not all men are like that" and is a self-proclaimed "golden retriever boyfriend" but spirals (or worse, ghosts you) the second you ask for clarity. He claims to be a staunch feminist and will always post about women's rights, but laughs at sexist, locker room-type jokes in his barkada group chats. He loves the fact that you're "outspoken"... until you say something that goes against him. He's all about healing and accountability, but only when it keeps him in your good graces.

It's all selective with a performative male—he picks and chooses certain facets of his personality that he thinks will lure you in. But once you're there, the mask starts to slip and you see a disconnect between what he says and how he behaves. It's that subtle emotional bait-and-switch that leaves you thinking, "Am I overreacting?" when, in fact, your intuition was right all along.

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Is he always malicious? Well, not really...

To be fair, performative males aren't out to be manipulative. Some of them genuinely want to better themselves, but they're still stuck in the performance phase. They're trying to grow, but they already want the validation that comes with being perceived as "one of the good guys." But here's the thing: you can't just talk about growth—you also have to show it... with or without an audience.

Some final thoughts

The performative male—especially the trope seen on TikTok—isn't inherently dangerous. Of course, there's nothing wrong with liking certain things. Drink matcha latte, buy anik-aniks, and read your books of choice—you do you, king. 🫡 But dealing with a real performative male, one that's selective about the image he projects to the world versus what he shows you, is frustrating because he just wants to look good in the eyes of others, but won't put in the work to actually make it happen.

If you've ever dated a performative male, you're not alone. But remember: the right ones don't have to perform—they just show up.

Cheska is the Lifestyle Editor + resident beauty girl of Cosmo. She loves hoarding blushes, oversharing in drafts, and pretending impulse buys are "for work."