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Fifty Shades Of Blur: Ugh, The Film Was Censored!

A biased review of a not-so-secret Grey-shipper. SPOILER ALERT! Read with caution.

We know the story: plain college girl interviews billionaire for her friend, he's hot AF and falls for her, he reveals he's into BDSM, and she gives the relationship a shot. As you know, author E L James was a Twihard and loosely based the plot on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books. So Edward Cullen = Christian Grey, get it?

 Before you continue, let me say that this is a completely biased review of E L James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey film adaptation—I read all the books, surprisingly enjoyed how bad they were, and entered the movie theater hoping against hope that its screenplay wouldn’t suck as much as Twilight’s.

It didn’t. Screenwriter Kelly Marcel (She wrote Saving Mr. Banks, 2013) was able to insert all the famous one-liners from the New York Times best-selling novel (“Fuck the paperwork,” “Laters, baby,” and “What is it about elevators?”) and actually made them sound natural when uttered by Jamie Dornan (You know him from The Fall), who played BDSM-loving billionaire Christian Grey. And can we talk about Jamie’s body? You’ve seen the 1,000 trailers and teasers (which were basically the entire movie), but in the film, he is going to show his *~butt~* and part of his happy trail (only part, because he will literally be c*ck blocked by a large black oval censor).

Editor’s Note: Apparently, the screen blocks and blurs weren’t the doing of our MTRCB, which was only responsible for the film’s R-18 classification. The visual censorship was part of the self-regulation act of the producer, Columbia Pictures

Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele) will show her three Bs: boobs, butt, and yes—bush. BUT only in the first love scene (Did Columbia Pictures miss that?), when Christian has vanilla sex with her to “rectify her situation” a.k.a. her virginity (that was a cringe-worthy line in the movie, FYI). Her nether region will be covered in all the playroom scenes, although generous boobage will be shown throughout.

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To the guys reading this: Yes, there is something for you, too.

And to those apprehensive about the casting (like me!), here’s what I have to say: you will love Dakota in this film. She had the perfect mix of that coquettish, virginal vibe paired with a naiveté and awkwardness that didn’t border on annoying or epileptic, like Bella Swan in Twilight. I expected the spanking scenes to look forced, but director Sam Taylor Johnson inserted just the right amount of humor (Ana would laugh, or squeal, like any normal person would), while Jamie stayed in character and looked like sex on legs—and all is right in the world.

READ: 15 Christian Grey GIFs To Turn You On

Escala, the Seattle skyline, and the Grey House were everything readers of the book imagined them to be—down to the blonde assistants at Grey Enterprises. Even the "Red Room of Pain" looked impressive; wait for the mini-tour as the cameras pan over the floggers, chains, and whips when Christian opens the door of his playroom.

READ: Oh My! Sex Toys That'll Make Christian Grey Proud

Important details transitioned seamlessly from book to film, like Christian’s jeans that “hang in that way,” Ana’s plum dress when she negotiated the terms of their contract, Ana and Christian’s email exchange (which they showed through pop-ups on-screen), and the burn scars on Mr. Grey’s chest. In the novel, Ana and Christian use a Blackberry to communicate, but this has been replaced with newer models (an iPhone for Christian and a flip phone for Anna), although Anna still got the Macbook as a gift, as anticipated.

E L James’ fans are as invested in the soundtrack as they are in the story, so it was quite a delight to witness “Witchcraft” (Frank Sinatra), “Crazy In Love” (Beyonce), and “Spem In Alium” (Thomas Tallis), featured in the film.

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READ: Listen To All The Sexy Songs From Fifty Shades Of Grey Here!

The missing piece? An actual plot. But we all know that already. The whole film, like the first book, was centered on Ana and Christian’s relationship—how they met, negotiated the terms of their sexual relationship, and ended things when Ana realized her limits. Once in a while, there would be little peeks into Christian’s past, but other than that, it was basically 80% soft porn for women.

But then again, isn’t that why we all watched it in the first place?

VERDICT:  Inner goddess is pleased, but like Ana, wants MORE. (P.S. Fifty Shades Darker will be released in 2016).

Follow Jillian on Instagram.

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