I don't know where the hell women shop for bed stuff, but they somehow are sleep wizards when it comes to constructing the ultimate slumber apparatus. Every girl bed I have ever come in contact with (nay, melded with) is so much better than any bed I've ever owned and I can't wrap my head around why.
1. How is it even possible for this bed to be so comfortable?
I thought I knew what a bed was. I think I've been sleeping on a cot this whole time.
2. How many bobby pins are in here?
What happens when you go to sleep at night? I think we could melt these down and make a bronze medallion out of them or something.
3. What is the point of these pillows?
Why can't I sleep on them? Why did you buy them if you can't do anything with them? Why are they so frilly? I have so many questions.
4. I woke up spooning a stuffed animal and I don't know how to feel.
It was the best night's sleep of my life, but I also woke up nuzzling a stuffed penguin. I didn't even know there was a stuffed animal in the mounds of this comforter somewhere.
5. Why do you ever leave this bed?
More importantly, how do you leave this bed? I've sunken so deep into the mattress that I can't see the horizon.
6. How many layers are there to this?
Is there even a mattress, or are there just piles of memory foam on top of a bedspring?
7. ARE THERE THREE SEPARATE SHEETS UNDERNEATH THE COMFORTER?
Is there an etiquette to this? Do I go under all of them or is one just for show? Is this some kind of elaborate trap, like a cozy spider's web?
8. What mythical animal did you have to kill so you could fill this blanket with feathers this soft?
Seriously. You don't get something this amazing without having to do something terrible for it.
9. Are you sure you want to have sex in this bed?
I feel like we'd be tarnishing something pure.
10. Can I just stay here while you go to work?
I'll tell them I'm lost in a sea of comfort. They'll know. They'll understand.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.