1. "It's fine."
Literally nothing could be less fine.
2. "We should get a drink some time and catch up!"
I really do want to catch up with you, but inevitably we'll just run into each other again six months from now and make this same promise.
3. "I'm almost there!"
I left my house one minute ago.
4. "I'm just getting one drink and then I'll be home."
I will loudly slam everything in the kitchen when I get home at 1 a.m. and start making nachos.
5. "Your baby is sooo cute."
All new babies look the same.
6. "How was your weekend?"
How long do we have to make polite small talk before I can ask if you finally hooked up with that guy from accounting?
7. "I'm not looking for something serious."
I'm not looking for something serious with you.
8. "What's your name?"
I'm not sure why I'm asking this question because I am 100 percent not going to remember your reply. Jessica? Jamie? Oh, Gianna, sorry.
9. "I'm about to get on the MRT/in my car. Can I call you back?"
This conversation needs to end right now.
10. "I don't think I'm going to make it out tonight. I'm not feeling well."
I feel great sitting on my couch watching Friends.
11. "Do you mind if I eat the last piece?"
I already ate it.
12. "No worries!"
I want to murder you.
13. "I reached out but I haven't heard back yet."
I forgot you asked me to do that until right this minute.
14. "I hate drama."
I am usually the one starting the drama.
That actually wasn't funny.
16. "Your cat is so cute."
I hate cats.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.