1. Do not text her a million times while she's out.
I cannot grind on nine friends and text, Jacob. I am not a wizard.
2. She'll pretty much never be on time.
Look, I cannot help it that the party only got really good at 11 p.m. We can watch Scandal on your couch tomorrow, I swear. Mostly because I'll be hungover as fuuuuck.
3. Yeah, she's def gonna wake you up when she comes in the door in the middle of the night.
Not because I want to and I'll try not to, but dude, if you fall asleep early and I get in at 2 a.m., my heels are going to be so much louder than I could ever know and you will be awoken like a bear.
4. Being jealous serves no one.
If you really wonder what I really do when I go out, just come with me! Otherwise you're gonna think it involves an orgy and for better or worse, it never does.
5. She's a pro at hangover cures.
You need aspirin and 18 pounds of greasy bacon? I keep them on hand 24/7. Literally that's all that's in my fridge.
6. If you're easily embarrassed, buckle up.
I am going to constantly embarrass you until you realize that I am simply having a ridiculous amount of fun and don't care what anyone else thinks.
7. You will never have nothing to do.
I am so much fun.
8. Good-bye, boredom.
You no longer exist. You have been replaced by eight parties this week, and one of them requires a ferry and a sailboat to get to.
9. Are you good at holding back hair while someone is vomiting?
Because you're about to go pro.
10. Start making a flow chart of her friends now.
So you can keep all the stories about the crazy thing Jason did, oh, wait, no, that was John.
11. Brunch is at 3 p.m.
Because I'll be sleeping until like 2:30 p.m. and then dragging myself there in sweatpants while growling like a grumpy animal.
12. She will own you at beer pong and pretty much any other drinking game.
You can try to beat me and be wrong, or you can just know this is a fact because it is.
13. If you have a problem with her partying, better just never date her ever.
I'm not going to magically change any time soon.
14. Does 3 a.m. sex count as morning sex?
'Cause that's when we have sex now and it's technically the morning.
15. She parties because it's fun and she can.
It doesn't necessarily mean I'm immature or lazy. Usually, with party girls, it's pretty much the opposite.
16. She can literally dance all night long. Bring Red Bull.
17. Just because she loves partying doesn't mean she doesn't want to commit.
If you're the right guy, I may still stay out until the sun comes up, but you're the first person I'll want to see when I come home. And I make excellent pancakes.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.