When out in public, we ladies like to give off the impression that we're these permanently showered, perfumed, and made-up princesses who wouldn’t touch a booger with a ten-foot pole. But when we’re safely alone in the confines of our home, the bras come off and the butt-ugly pambahay comes out and the pimples get popped ‘til the pus overfloweth. Below, some of the things we princesses actually do in secret. (Admit it, you do these, too.)
1. Stuff ourselves with food in the most ungraceful way possible.
When out at a restaurant, we know which piece of cutlery goes with which course of the meal, and we always dab our mouths daintily with our napkin to keep our lipstick intact. But at home, we’re just clawing into that bag of chips and ramming that handful into our mouths like the chips are a huge bunch of trash and our mouths are a hungry garbage compactor. #SorryNotSorry
2. Perform minor surgery on ourselves.
We know the best thing to do is to just leave pimples alone, but how can we, when it’s big and bright and threatening to erupt any second? Same goes for those nasty hairs that pop up in random places. A woman’s got to do what a woman’s got to do.
3. Pick our noses openly.
Really, there is no demure way to do it and be effective about it. When we’re alone, we like to just get in there and fish that little bugger out with no hesitation.
4. Wear the same pambahay for days at a time.
Hello, they don't smell bad at all! (Not yet, anyway.)
5. Sing all of the songs.
And if we can’t quite hit those high notes in Mariah Carey’s rendition of “Against All Odds,” we are going to keep trying until we do. (Sorry, next-door neighbor.)
6. Take tons of selfies…
…with the goal of posting on IG just one from the entire set. No one will ever know how many attempts we’ve had to make to get that selfie just right, or how far we’ve had to get from that cringe-worthy first shot to that Beyoncé-level last one. *evil laugh*
7. Go online and stalk our exes.
And their exes. And their exes’ exes. We could spiral down and get lost in that endless rabbit hole for hours.
8. Have imaginary conversations with our exes, with someone who hurt us, or with someone to whom we just want to give a piece of our mind.
“If you want me back, you’ll have to try harder than that!!!” Hmm, sounds too shrill. Maybe I should take it down a notch? “If you want me back, you’ll have to deserve my love again. *single tear rolls down cheek*” That’s better.
9. While crying over a movie or a book or a sad memory or whatever, sneak a look in the mirror to see if we still look cute.
We have to still look human when we do the crying bit in front of the boyfriend, right? At the very least, it will make the argument end earlier.
10. Practice smiling in the mirror.
How else would we master our “angle?"
11. Dance in front of the mirror.
We do it in our pajamas, in our underwear, and even practice performing a striptease to the tune of Miguel’s “Adorn” just to see what we’d look like doing it. (Although we’d probably never do it IRL because the self-consciousness would kill us, haha. Sorry, boys.)
12. Check our naked selves out.
We stare at our bodies in the mirror and notice how flat our tummies are in the morning or how one boob is slightly bigger than the other. Sometimes we wish our twins were perkier or that we had more definition in our abs, but a lot of the time we just think to ourselves, “God, I’m a sexy beast.”
13. Just walk around naked.
14. Multitask in the toilet by reading a book or using our phone.
Yes, we do it, too. Especially if we know we’ll be in there a while.
15. Pee in the shower.
If we’re already in the shower, we’ll just let ‘er rip in there instead of stepping out to use the toilet and wasting even more water by flushing. All that liquid’s just going down the drain anyway, and this way, we’re doing our part to conserve water. (Honest, that’s part of it!)
16. Hand-wash the gunk off our soiled delicates.
Gents, don’t be fooled by those seductively smiling ladies in immaculate underthings in the lingerie catalogs; those things can get dirty, even when it’s not that time of the month. And we can’t be expected to buy new underwear to replace each soiled one, so really, we’re just being practical here.
17. Look at our V and wonder about the mysteries within.
True story, and you know it.
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