How To Deal With A Coworker You Just Don't Like, According To A Career Expert

Do you have to be besties with every person you work with? Absolutely not. (We have enough friends to maintain outside of work, thank you very much!) There are people we just click with, and then there are others we just clash with. But do we really have to find ways to work well with everyone? If you want to be happier at work, then, unfortunately, yes.

In Gallup's 12 question survey on employee engagement, one of the questions is, "Do you have a best friend at work?"

Having someone we look forward to seeing in the office—or spotting in the office GC—can make work a lot more fun. The other side is also true: If there's someone we don't like, suddenly timing in feels like a chore. But the better you get at working with people you don't like, the better your work experience will be.

So, what is it about certain people that gets under our skin? Maybe it's the way they talk, dress, sound, or carry themselves. Maybe our values don't quite line up. Or maybe, if we're being honest, we just find them... annoying.

But at work, we don't really have a choice in who to work with. How do we keep it civil? And how do we stop ourselves from internally screaming every time they walk into the meeting room?

As with most things, the solution starts with the self. First, figure out what exactly is triggering you. When does this person get under your skin? What do you actually feel when it happens?

The first step to emotional intelligence is noticing what's happening in your body and having the name for the emotion you're feeling. The second is figuring out what it's about. As in, "I feel angry about the way she dismissed my opinion," or "I feel jealous because my boss keeps prioritizing her work over mine."

Maybe it's something seemingly small. Is it their voice, tone, or facial expression? Do they remind you of someone who used to scold you as a kid, or that high school bully? Maybe you just don't like the way they look, talk, sound, or dress. Being able to pinpoint exactly what it is about this person that rubs you the wrong way can help you figure out how to deal with it.

Then, take a step back and ask yourself: : Is my reaction actually proportional to what's happening? What can I do to turn down the negative emotions? Is there another way I can look at this person or situation that might make me feel a little less...annoyed?

Think of these as the first-aid steps. Sometimes, that's all it takes to keep your emotions in check. But if their name popping up on Teams is already enough to make you roll your eyes, here are a few more tips here are a few more tips that can help—not just with coworkers, but with pretty much every relationship you have, including the one with yourself.

We hear this all the time, but what does it actually mean?

Personalizing is a cognitive distortion that basically means, I'm making this about me. Someone frowns, and we immediately think they're annoyed with us. Someone looks us up and down, and suddenly we're wondering what their problem is.

But whatever it is they're thinking, that's their business, not ours. The more we can separate who we are from what other people do, the less power their behavior has to get under our skin.

This one is a little harder, but once you get the hang of it, it can make life—and work—a whole lot lighter.

The idea is to assume that people have positive intentions, even when their behavior doesn't exactly come across that way. Maybe they want a great outcome. Maybe they're insecure and trying to prove themselves. Maybe they're going through something difficult, and it's spilling over into how they show up at work.

Of course, assuming good intentions doesn't mean you have to excuse bad behavior. It just gives you a little more room to pause before jumping to the worst possible conclusion.

When you're not sure where someone is coming from, ask. Try, "What's the intention behind your question?" or "What's the best outcome for you?" You might be surprised by what you hear.

Some people are wired to think of how things can be better, how they could go wrong, and to think of every possible worst-case scenario. This may feel like a personal attack if we're the type to have creative ideas that we get enthusiastic about.

One way to manage these discussions is to separate the two. Start with, "Let's come up with great ideas first and assume there are no limitations. Then we talk about the limitations on the second phase of the project."

That way, the big-picture thinkers get room to dream, while the practical thinkers still get their moment to poke holes in the plan. Everyone gets to feel heard—and you get to have the conversation without immediately killing the vibe.

At the end of the day, you're both there to do a job. So what actually matters to you? What matters to them? Figure out where those priorities overlap and find a way to work together that gets you both where you need to go.

You don't have to love each other. You just have to get the work done.

Whichever of these helps, remember that you're doing it for yourself, not the other person. Learning to work with people who are different from us is part of growing up—and a skill that'll serve you well as you take on more responsibility. After all, today's difficult coworker could be tomorrow's practice for becoming a better leader.