1. You can get through a night out without any alcohol-induced injuries at all. And you can walk in your heels like an absolute boss. Even on cobbles.
2. Drunk people are even more hilarious when you're the only sober one. (But they also get annoying really quickly, which only the only sober one notices.)
3. You can't go for a nice weekend breakfast with any of your friends. Because terrible hangovers and 10 a.m. don't mix.
4. You look completely awesome in all Facebook snaps of nights out. Being The Sober One has its benefits.
5.You're secretly rich beyond your wildest dreams. Well, not quite, but you save way more money than than those nuts paying nearly a thousand bucks for cocktails. Puh-leaze.
6. You can get SO much done at the weekend when you don't have to factor in a grim hangover sucking up most of the day. Really important things like catching up on House of Cards.
7. Wedding toasts are tricky business. Should you just pose with the glass? Should you do the Coyote Ugly spitting-it-back-in trick? Why isn't congratulatory OJ a thing?!
8. You feel all smug about your totally functional phone that's never been flushed down a toilet or had its screen shattered after being drunkenly dropped. Read it and WEEP, boozers.
9. You don't drop regrettable truth bombs or have sobbing fits in the toilet. You keep your shit together 24/7.
10. Going on girly holidays where people don't even go out until about 1 a.m. is a challenge. "I'll have an Espresso Martini, please. Hold the Martini."
11. You make up for your booze-free life with other vices. Mainly food. (And yes, it is totally possible to get drunk on pizza. )
12. You never feel left out because non-alcoholic drinks are AMAZING. There's milkshake, there's the crazy soft drink machine at Burger King, and never forget those FREE refills at Subway. Coke, anyone? (YES, we mix our flavors. Who says sober folk aren't fun?)
13. Sober karaoke is like death by sound. An audio catastrophe. You've been known to fake food poisoning to escape. (Once you've Vined your mates making complete fools of themselves, natch.)
14. You end up being the therapist on nights out when your friends are having life drama, but they're too pissed to appreciate your spot-on (as always) advice. FFS.
15. It's ridiculously annoying when people don't seem to think it's possible to have fun if you're sober. Pretty sure I'll be having more fun than you when I check my bank account in the AM and find out I didn't spend 50% of my wages buying rounds. Sucka.
16. You're kind of done by midnight. Alas, nobody else is. But hanging out with drinkers is like an endurance mission that you're determined to pass.
17. Chatting up guys when you're sober is TOO AWKWARD. You feel like you have to act a bit drunk to make it seem normal and not-at-all awks.
18. When people find out you're not drinking in 'boozy' situations like house parties and gigs, they give you that "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed" kind of look. Once they've got over the HORROR.
19. Splitting the bill with people that have all been quaffing wine with their meals is the very worst. Funny* how the people that suggest splitting the bill are the ones that rinsed the menu the most, isn't it? *By funny, I mean HIDEOUS.
20. You get lumbered with all the driving. You've given the "Don't be sick in my car and don't squish kebab into the carpet" lecture so many times you might as well become an actual taxi driver.
21. Unlike your drunk friends, shimmying it up in sweaty nightclubs, you are enlightened. Non-drinkers know how to have REAL fun, at places that don't sell jagerbombs. The cinema? The beach? THE ZOO? Best places ever. We win.
Whatevs booze. We don't need you.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.