16 Things You Should Never Say To A Newlywed

"Are you, like, so sad the wedding is over?"

1. "When are you having babies?" 
I don't know. Would you like to subscribe to the Twitter feed by my uterus with the latest breaking updates on whether or not it's occupied? Oh, that sounds inappropriate and makes you feel weird? Great! Now you know how I feel.

2. "Do you want to get divorced yet?" 
Right, I got married to a person I've been with for years because the whole "rest of your life" part of it meant so little to me that I'm over this whole marriage charade two months later. How'd you know? 

3. "He's a good guy, right?" 
What am I supposed to say to this? Yeah, when he's not a serial killer in his spare time, he's most excellent! 

4. "Have you written your thank-you notes yet?" 
Working on it, Mom. Working. On it.

5. Anything about "the missus" or "old ball and chain." 
Excuse me, am I using an Instagram filter that makes me look 80 years old? 

6. "I don't believe in marriage." 
And I don't believe in indirectly insulting someone who feels the opposite right after they've done the very thing you don't "believe" in. cough *commitment issues* cough 

But maybe that's just me.

7. "Do you still like being married?" 
Marriage isn't like a crop top. You don't just wake up two months after you went for it and think, So over it. What was I thinking?

8. "Do you miss being single?" 
Anything I might miss about being single is far outweighed by the joy and satisfaction I get from the lifetime commitment I've made to my partner. Let's talk about you: do you miss having a boyfriend? I'm sorry, is that RUDE?

9. "After you have kids are you going to keep working?" 
No, I thought I'd quit the thing I spend 60 percent of my time on so I can do nothing but post pictures of my offspring to Facebook. How'd you guess?!

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10. "Do you miss your sex life?" 
I love my sex life. I've just been sparing you the details because our relationship isn't the book Fifty Shades of Grey. But do advise if you'd like me to alter course?

11. "How do you feel?" 
*Takes out iPhone, plays Beyonce's "Grown Woman." Leaves.*

12. "Are you, like, so sad the wedding is over?" 
How'd you know in these feminist times that the only thing keeping me from falling into a deep depression based on my feelings of worthlessness was choosing floral arrangements and finalizing the wine selection? 

13. "It's all downhill from here!" 
Falling asleep next to the person I love most in the world each night and planning the rest of our joyous lives together sounds like the worst. And by worst I mean BEST.

14. "What are you going to do with all the spare time you have now that you're not wedding planning?" 
Uh, the rest of my life?

15 . "Guess you can let yourself go now!" 
Thanks but I think I'll leave that one to you. 

16. "I'm so sick of seeing people's wedding photos on Facebook."
I know what you mean. I hated joy once, too. Until I met my husband.

***

This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors. 

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