1. Each New Year, you make a resolution to get fit, yet you never follow through on it.
New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken anyway. Everyone knows that.
2. You absolutely hate sweating.
And exercise = sweating, so you’d rather not.
3. You see other people’s gym photos and wonder, “Where do they get the motivation to do this to themselves?!”
How can they choose to inflict torture on themselves over plopping into bed for a Netflix marathon?!
4. You have body goals, but you can't be bothered to actually meet them.
“Ugh, I want Coleen Garcia’s insane body!” you wail as you stuff your mouth with your third slice of pizza.
5. If given a choice between passing on lechon at a party and working off the calories from it after, you’d rather deprive yourself.
You don’t really like lechon that much, anyway. *cries inside*
6. You chime in when your friends talk about signing up for a gym membership together, but once they find a good deal, you flake out.
*Seen-zones all gym-related messages in the group chat*
7. You try to weasel your way out of working out by counting any physical activity as exercise.
Cleaning your room counts. So does walking around the mall. So does carrying your chubby nephew around the house; you must’ve done some CrossFit-level shit just horsing around with that kid.
8. When you do plan to get some real exercise in, something always gets in the way.
A work deadline, a social engagement, the latest celebrity feud on social media. Heaven knows you can’t miss any of that.
9. And even when you have time for a quick workout, you make excuses for passing on it.
Some legit excuses: your new workout top is still in the laundry, your iPod is broken and you can't move without Beyoncé bellowing in your ears, or you're JUST NOT EMOTIONALLY READY.
10. You think of all the things you could do instead with the time you originally planned to devote to exercise, and you feel better about missing it.
Like a nap. Or two episodes of Friends. Or catching up on your Instagram stalking.
11. When you do find yourself inside a gym, you have no idea how any of the equipment works.
This must be what being abducted by aliens and taken to their spaceship feels like.
12. Or you feel insecure seeing all these girls who still look hot while working out.
They’re in cute sports bras while you’re in a ratty T-shirt bearing some random company logo; their hair’s neatly tied back while yours is in a wild ponytail with unruly strands trying to escape; their sweat is a glowing mist on their skin while yours is dripping in bullets down your face.
13. Somehow, time seems to go slower whenever you attempt to work out.
You could’ve sworn you had already been jogging for 20 minutes, but when you check the time, only 10 minutes have passed. IT’S LIKE BEING CAUGHT IN A TIME WARP.
14. In the rare moments you exercise as planned, you reward yourself by binge-eating after.
No one deserves this chocolate cake more than you do, you winner, you.
15. Or you feel so pleased with yourself, you vow to keep it up throughout the following days.
And then the next day comes and your resolve vanishes into thin air like that last guy you dated, the douche.
16. The days following a workout, you can barely move without hurting.
Aaaand you use your sore body as an excuse to miss a workout yet again.
17. Overall, working out feels more like a punishment than something you do for your benefit.
Now you know why you sweat so much whenever you do it. It’s your body’s way of CRYING.