1. "Oh, crap, of course I get my period the day I'm supposed to have sex."
I know it's not the last time in the world I'll ever be able to have sex, but I wanted to have sex tonight specifically and now I can't because it's just way too complicated. WTF is your problem, uterus? I thought we were cool.
2. "Maybe I can pretend like I just got it while we're having sex."
Like it was just a period miracle and it just so happened to occur right then. Is there a way to make that hot? Like, "Boy, you're so hot I just got my period!" Is that an angle I could work?
3. "You know what? No. I shouldn't have to lie about something every woman does."
I'm a grown woman and he's a grown man. I'll just tell him, "Yo, I have my period BTW," and he'll probably be like, "So?" and then we'll have so much sex and it'll be great.
4. "But what if he goes down on me, and after he has a face full of blood and he gets scared?!"
Or what if I gush and it's like a blood tidal wave and he drowns and I have to tell his parents my period killed him. That is way too upsetting to think about so maybe we should just break up to prevent that very likely scenario from happening. Yeah, this seems like a good reason to end it.
5. "OK, he's at the door and I'm going to be OK."
Should I bring it up right away as soon as he opens the door like, "Nice to see you! I have my period. Did you bring snacks?" Is that weird?
6. "Pfft, we're just fooling around right now."
Maybe we won't even have sex and I won't even have to mention it. JK, I see now we're totally going to have sex and I need to tell him I have my period. This is my fate and also I want to get laid.
7. "Yay he doesn't care and wants to have sex anyway!!!!!!!!!!"
Hellllll to the yes. God, my boyfriend rules… Well, kind of. In a way, every guy shouldn't really care about this because then that would mean everyone has to stop having sex for an entire week out of every month just because of a natural body function. That's such a waste of time and life and how turned on I am all the time. I'm so glad I'm with someone who gets it. Period sex is a GO!
8. "Goodbye, cramps and hello, all of the orgasms."
Man, this is just what I needed. I can't believe I've had other times in my life when I totally avoided sex on my period when I actually might be even more turned on now than I usually am. Period sex rules and the 'me of the past' was an idiot.
9. "Oh, crap. Our sheets!!!"
I did not think this through enough to put down a towel, but even if I did now, how much blood would it absorb really anyway? Eh, I guess if I wash my sheets super soon afterward it'll be fine. OK, back to focusing on sex stuff now. I can always buy new sheets.
10. "Some tiny, gross part of me really wants to look at the condom/his penis/his face and see if it's bloody."
I'm not going to do it, of course, but some twisted, gory, 'loves theScream trilogy so much' part of me wants to do it. But I will not.
11. "Chocolate would be so good right now."
What?! AND he brought chocolate with him when he came over? Screw the fact that I'll probably have to do some major stain removal magic later on. I just had period sex and now I'm eating chocolate. This is a good life.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.