1. Another one bites the dust.
Of course I won't be able to spend as much time with you anymore because you have a boyfriend now. Goodbye, Monday nights at the movies. Goodbye, Thursday night cocktails after work. R.I.P., friendship with Karen. It was fun while it lasted.
2. Now I’ll only see you when you and your guy are fighting, or once you've split up.
I’m cool hanging out again to console you, of course. That’s how good a friend I am. (Not like I have any other plans, anyway.)
3. At least I don’t need anyone to complete me or validate my existence.
I know myself. I love myself. Plus, I'm too busy working on my career and having too much fun on my own to need a guy. (Right.)
4. I'd rather be alone anyway than deal with the BS you have to put up with in a relationship.
All that reporting you have to do whenever you so much as step out of the house, checking each other's phones and social media accounts on the sly, and fighting when someone forgets some important detail they should not—under any circumstance—have forgotten? No thanks.
5. Doesn’t it get boring having to sleep with the same person every single time?
I, on the other hand, just flirted with this hot stranger at the bar and hooked up with a very cute lawyer I met last week. (Downside: I don't think I want to see either again. EVER.)
6. Wait, why is your boyfriend here? What part of “girls’ night” did you not understand?!
I specifically said “GIRLS’ NIGHT.” How are we supposed to rag on men and talk about peen sizes with the enemy around?!
7. Ugh. Get a room.
I understand how good it must feel to just throw yourself all over your guy. Hey, I’m a woman, too, I know how thrilling that shit feels. But…can you not do it in front of me? Just because I have no one to touch like that and you’re making me jealous.
8. I’m sick of hearing your clichéd love advice.
“It’ll come to me when I least expect it?” I’ve been trying not to expect it for three years. A lot of good that did me—now my mom’s starting to worry I’ll never pop out any beautiful grandchildren for her. Also, do not say "I miss being single," I swear to god. I am going to club you to death if you do.
9. That’s it. All the good guys are taken.
And every Tom, Dick, and Harry you set me up with just proves my point. You’re dating a GREAT guy, yet here I am with the sexist A-hole who checks out other girls the whole time we’re on a date.
10. Great. Now you're engaged/married/having a baby.
I'm happy for you, of course I am. But this news just twists that knife in my heart a little bit deeper. I haven't even gone from being “Single” to “In a relationship,” let alone “Engaged” or “Married,” and my babymaking capabilities might be long gone before either happens.
11. I want to be like you, dammit.
I don’t want to be the third wheel anymore. I want to go on double dates with you, and have an adult sleepover with my guy then stare at each other over brunch the next morning, and just have someone tell me he loves me even though I'm in pambahay with no makeup on and I can be really annoying sometimes. Okay fine, I’ll believe you. It’ll come to me when I least expect it.
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