1. So, err, we are NEVER getting back together.
2. But, more importantly, the ultimate dilemma: to like or not to like? Liking the first dad selfie is the mature and supportive thing to do, right?
3. UGH. Why is EVERYONE liking this? Will my like look weird?
4. Two hundred likes! OHMYGOD! If I like this, my name will be included in the "...and 195 other friends liked this" so that's fine because no one will know. AMIRIGHT? But I still won't like it. LOL!
5. Not that it isn't a cute picture. I'm not actually anti-joy. WOW, it has his nose.
6. Right, time to go through the ENTIRE album. May as well do this properly. Come on, I'm allowed to be fascinated by the miracle of life.
7. Are these my first moments as a real-life adult? Am I kind of… old?
8. It wasn't that long ago that I looked after him while he vomited after we went drinking with his friends. And now he's looking after an actual peeing, vomiting CHILD?
9. On that note, perhaps I got out at the right time. Ewwww.
10. But that doesn't mean he's allowed to use any of our imaginary baby names. Obv we were never actually going to name our child Thor, but the idea was still OUR THING, okay?.
11. Do I get to meet this kid IRL? Me and my ex still write on each other's Facebook walls for EVERY birthday. I demand awwwwww-ing rights.
12. Fuck this shit.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan UK. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.