13 Things Women Think When He Goes Near Your Butt


1. Whoa, whoa, whoa, did he think that was on the table? Phew, he is moving away from it. False alarm.

2. Maybe today's the day I'm going to feel adventurous and just try it. Nope, no, it isn't. I miscalculated.

3. Does he think about butt stuff a lot? I'm told men like that sort of thing, so maybe he just feels weird bringing it up, which makes sense considering I'm getting this freaked out and he hasn't even done anything yet.

4. How long ago was my last shower? It wasn't today, and I worked really late yesterday, so maybe Saturday? No, because I had soccer practice that day, so maybe...god, nope. That is way too long.

5. Is he still putting the condom on or is he considering his hole options? We clearly need to talk about this. I see that now.

6. Maybe I'm genuinely missing out on some fun butt sex. What if anal sex is incredibly great and I'm sitting here fearing something that will go on to become my favorite kind of sex?

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7. Please don't put your finger in it, please don't put your finger in it. I might like that one day but let's discuss it over scones.

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8. Why is his hand lingering there? What is he planning?!

9. Maybe there is something weird on my butt. Like a piece of toilet paper or a weird rash I didn't know about. He'd tell me that right? Oh well, I'll look at it in the mirror later.

10. Perhaps he's going to spank me since we have not previously entered into such precarious territory. When I'm worried about someone's butt intentions, my language gets weirdly formal.

11. What if all the other girlfriends he's had have been all about butt play and I'm like the weird one who keeps inching away for some reason. On second thought, screw that. I'm my own person. I'm allowed to have my own butt thoughts.

12. You know what? Maybe he doesn't know what he's doing over there either. Maybe he's lost, like he's on a space mission gone wrong. Yeah. He'll find his way back to my vag any minute now.

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13. Should I try some toys out first so I know what it would be like? Maybe a toy that looks like a very tiny penis—oh, no, don't tell him that though. He'll take it personally and then it'll be a whole thing, when all I want to do is start off small and figure out if I like butt stuff, so I can stop thinking this shit every time he grazes my ass.


This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.

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