1. How do I handle the approach? Does she want to kiss me? I’ll start going in really slowly to see if she moves away. She hasn’t moved away yet, so that’s a good sign, but maybe I’m not close enough yet. I’m going to keep moving in until our lips are touching.
2. Ok, game time. I never stopped to think about how weird the act of making out is. I’m glad my brain chose now to make me feel hyper-aware of everything I’m currently doing.
3. This angle is kind of awkward. I feel like if I try to move, though, she’ll suddenly change her mind about making out with me. This is worth the deep cramping in my neck.
4. Should I have used ChapStick? Do I even own ChapStick?
5. How does my breath smell? I probably should’ve popped a mint in before I made the conscious decision to breathe down her throat.
6. Actually, I should be breathing, but that’s gross right? Ok, stop breathing. No, now I’m getting dizzy. I need to breathe. OK NOW I’M BREATHING TOO HARD AND IT’S CREEPY.
7. Are my teeth crooked? I should’ve listened to my orthodontist and kept that retainer in more often.
8. Should I go for tongue, or should I let her take the lead? I’m just going to go for it. OK, we are not on the same page here. Maybe she liked that I maneuvered my tongue in there?
9. Where should I put my hands? I feel like hands dictate what kind of kiss this is. If I put them on her ass, it’s really sexual. If I grab her hips, it’s more casual. If I grab her head or hair, maybe it’s off-puttingly passionate? Where is a neutral spot to put my hands? Her knees? Maybe I’ll just never stop moving my hands like a gesticulating professor.
10. Do all girls like what I’m doing now? Maybe only that girl that I first kissed in high school likes it, and I’ve been doing it ever since and maybe it’s really terrible and I look like an idiot but I’m so bad at kissing that no one has the heart to tell me.
11. WAIT, DO I KISS LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER?
12. Is it OK that I have a partial boner? Where should I put it.
13. We’ve been making out for like 30 seconds already, does she want me to put my hand on her boob? Hand-on-boob is man's biggest gamble.
14. Whew, boob is a go. God my jaw is tired.
This article originally appeared in Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.