1. All meals need to be planned in advance so she knows where the next food is coming from. At lunch, she'll ask you about dinner. At breakfast, she'll ask you about dinner. Basically just always be up for dinner.
2. This goes for family gatherings, too. A wedding that starts at 3? First priority isn't what to wear, it's where we're filling up on food beforehand. Finishes at 11? Where shall we get food after? These things are important.
3. Vacations will basically revolve around food and only food. On the last day when there are more sights to see, they'll be sacked off in favor of more churros to eat, paella to have and tapas to wolf down. Sorry, have fun on your own if you want to see a ruin or whatever.
4. Meals with us will probably take forever because they are a marathon, not a sprint. We've piled about three portions too many on our plate and while we don't want indigestion, we do want to eat it all, so you'd better have a lot of chat for while we take an extra half an hour to finish off.
5. Also, be prepared for us to be hungry again about an hour after every meal. It just happens.
6. Sunday markets are like foreplay to us. Bring us to the cheese stall and pass the wooden skewers, baby.
7. We'll know what the weird stuff is on restaurant menus, but it might take us a million years to decide because we're so hungry and the smell of bread from the next table is distracting us.
8. Get to a festival wayyyy before you actually want to see any bands—it's take a while to get round the food stalls and scope out what to have now, and where to go later. (See also: point 1)
9. Going to the supermarket together will be risky. You'll end up with a LOT of impulse snacks, but also loads of weird ingredients to make elaborate dishes that will probably always be canned at the last minute for those snacks because HUNGRY.
10. If you want to have an important conversation about something, do it at a restaurant. She's not gonna freak out and leave—she's waiting in desperation for that mac 'n' cheese side portion.
11. Your Whatsapp conversations will exist of lists of food recommendations; brunch places to try, restaurants to visit on holiday and weird shit to cook up at home.
12. It's important to remember that there are (maybe not medically...) TWO stomachs; one for savoury and one for sweet. So when she's totally stuffed and full of dinner, she's still having frickin' dessert.
13. Birthday/Christmas gifts are easy: food.
14. If you decide to bring food into the bedroom for some kind of erotic strawberry situation, or a sexy-sauce drizzling thing, don't be alarmed if she gets bored of your genitals and decides to chow-down on the grub instead. It's just the way it is.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.