Should You Cut Off Friends Who Are Friends With Someone Who Hurt You? Experts Weigh In

Friendships, much like any other relationship, aren't perfect. Beyond the fun memories and inside jokes, they also come with misunderstandings, difficult conversations, and growing pains. And because our friends often become our chosen family, friendship breakups can hurt just as much—if not more—than romantic ones.

Riyan Portuguez, a.k.a. Millennial Psychologist and a registered psychologist and psychometrician, explains that we often see friendships as a source of "loyalty, support, and protection"—our safety net and comfort zone. So when a friend stays close with someone who has hurt us, that sense of security can feel shaken. As Riyan shares, this pain can feel especially intense because "our brain processes emotional pain the same way it does physical pain."

Licensed clinical psychologist Rea Villa adds that "our brain is constantly trying to figure out who is safe and who is on our side." In Filipino culture, this can become even more complicated as we navigate pakikisama and loyalty. Alynna Natividad, psychotherapist and counselor at the UGAT Foundation, explains that while the Filipino concept of pakikisama encourages maintaining relationships, many also believe that true friends should stand by them during painful experiences.

So when faced with this dilemma, how do we know whether to hold on or let go? Here's what the experts have to say.

When a mutual friend stays close with someone who's hurt you, it's easy to feel like they're silently choosing a side. At the same time, asking someone to cut another person off can start to feel controlling—even if what you really want is for them to naturally choose you. It's a difficult spot to be in, and if left unchecked, it can make the friendship feel heavy for everyone involved.

That's why all three experts recommend looking at the situation with a little more nuance. Your friendship with them and their friendship with the other person can exist separately unless the issue involves serious harm. Think bullying, harassment, repeated emotional abuse, threats to your safety or dignity, or situations where your mutual friend personally witnessed what happened and understands its gravity. As Alynna explains, in these cases, staying neutral "can unintentionally protect the person causing harm more than the person who was hurt."

Outside of situations like these, it's worth remembering that your friend also has the right to make their own choices. Rea often encourages her clients to ask themselves: "Am I looking for support, or am I trying to dictate who someone else can be friends with?"

Riyan adds that there's a difference between expecting someone to "blindly agree with you" and simply wanting them to validate your feelings by listening, understanding, and offering emotional support.

When a friend stays close with someone who has hurt you, it's natural to feel betrayed—but it's also worth looking inward and understanding what exactly this situation is bringing up for you. Instead of immediately questioning if you're being dramatic or selfish, Rea suggests reframing your thoughts by asking, "What is this situation making me believe about myself?" This helps you stay grounded instead of letting past experiences or insecurities take over.

Alynna also encourages asking deeper questions like "Which need feels threatened?" "What am I afraid of losing?" or "How does this experience make me feel or remind me of?" Breaking down these emotions can make them easier to process instead of feeling overwhelming all at once.

At the same time, feeling hurt doesn't mean you have to react immediately. As Rea shares, "The goal isn't to judge the emotion. The goal is to choose what you do with it." Your feelings deserve compassion, while your actions deserve reflection. Alynna adds that emotional regulation isn't about suppressing emotions, but learning to "respond intentionally instead of impulsively."

A lot of friendships don't fall apart because of what was said—they fall apart because of how it was said. When someone feels accused, they're more likely to become defensive. And when the other person feels unheard, resentment only grows.

That's why the experts all recommend using I-statements. Instead of leading with blame, focus on what you felt, what you noticed, and what you need. That simple shift makes conversations feel less like confrontations and more like opportunities to understand each other.

Rea also suggests opening the conversation with vulnerability instead of frustration. "Start with honesty instead of blame. You can say something like, 'I wanted to share this because our friendship matters to me.'" It reassures the other person that your goal is to protect a friendship you genuinely value, and you're willing to work for it.

A friend staying neutral doesn't automatically mean they don't care about you. Sometimes, they're simply trying to maintain their relationships with both sides. However, neutrality can become harmful when it starts dismissing your feelings or making you feel unsafe.

The experts say some signs to watch out for include constantly updating you about the other person, gossiping between both sides, forcing interactions, pressuring you to reconcile before you're ready, or telling you that you're overreacting. As Alynna explains, "Healthy friendships do not require complete agreement, but they should provide emotional safety and mutual respect."

As you grow older, friendships also become more complicated because they often overlap with different parts of your life—work, shared communities, or professional spaces. In these situations, Sheila Tan, an executive coach, says it helps to remind yourself of the bigger reason why you're there instead of letting personal feelings take over. "Being civil and making sure you're productive and collaborating with your team are things you're being paid to do." It doesn't mean ignoring your feelings, but rather shifting your mindset to protect your peace while staying focused on the bigger purpose of the situation.

Friendship changes can be painful, but they can also reflect how much we've grown and what we need at this stage of life. Sheila encourages people to "take people for who they are, and what they have to offer. Then see how they can fit in your life today." As we enter different seasons, some friendships naturally shift. "Sometimes, we realize there are other circles that fit our current life path more than others," she shares.

You may have also simply outgrown some friendships as your values and priorities change. "If there are serious values misalignment, then letting go of friendships may be the best thing to do for now. They can still be reconciled at a later time," she says.

Adult friendships also require understanding that one person or one circle cannot fulfill every part of your life. "Have friends as varied as your needs and interests. Relying on one or a few friends for everything might be cause for disappointment. Sometimes, it leads to resentment and then to friendship breakups."

Growing up means allowing friendships to evolve while making room for new connections that align with who you are now.