Does Your Friend Group Always Revolve Around One Person? You Might Have A Friendship Hierarchy

Friendship is a big deal when your friends are the people you call for literally everything. But just like any relationship, friendships can have their own red flags, too—especially when we start letting unhealthy patterns slide.

Lately, people online have been talking about a dynamic they're calling a "friendship hierarchy." Basically, it's when a friend group starts revolving around one person, with everyone else looking to them for decisions, approval, or even permission.

Content creator Cavin Chua, a.k.a. Cayydences, broke down the friendship hierarchy dynamic in a recent TikTok.

Another content creator, Liam Miller, depicted the dynamic in a skit. In his video, a group of friends has to ask their so-called "group leader" for permission before befriending someone new.

It's not always that obvious, either. No one announces a group leader or crowns one person the boss of the friend group. It can happen subtly, with everyone slowly getting used to one person having more say than the rest.

To understand why this happens and what it can do to friendships, Cosmopolitan Philippines spoke with Dr. Marinette Asuncion-Uy, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of mental health platform The Brown Psych. Her work focuses on Sikolohiyang Pilipino and decolonizing mental health, which also shapes how she approaches this kind of friendship dynamic.

According to Dr. Asuncion-Uy, the term "friendship hierarchy" may be newer, but the idea behind it has been studied for a long time. She describes it as a "vertical hierarchy," where some people are placed above others within a relationship.

"An individual cannot be high-ranking without someone else being lower-ranking. That is the hidden architecture of a lot of friendships," she says. 

This can be especially tricky in Filipino social circles because we care a lot about belonging and keeping the peace. Dr. Asuncion-Uy calls this the "harmony trap"—where people go along with the way things are because they're afraid that speaking up will cause conflict or make them feel like an outsider.

Unlike a classic mean-girl dynamic, a friendship hierarchy doesn't always involve obvious bullying or one person openly calling the shots. Instead, one friend gradually gains more influence, while everyone else gets used to adjusting around them.

But according to Dr. Asuncion-Uy, that doesn't make the dynamic any less controlling. "When we swallow our boundaries and allow one person to run the group because we have been conditioned to believe that keeping the peace matters more than standing in our own dignity—we are not practicing connection. We are practicing compliance or blind obedience," she says.

She connects this back to kapwa, or our shared identity with others: "When we force a rigid vertical hierarchy onto our close circles, we violate our kapwa—our shared identity—turning a sacred, horizontal mirror of connection into a miniature battlefield of social scarcity." We're supposed to relate to our friends as equals, but a rigid hierarchy turns that connection into a competition over who gets to matter most.

A friendship hierarchy can be hard to spot because it doesn't always come with obvious conflict. Dr. Asuncion-Uy says to pay attention to consistent patterns in how people treat and respond to each other.

Here are some signs to watch for:

• One or two people always make the plans, while everyone else is expected to adjust and show up.

• Some members are included by default, while others have to earn their place.

• Accountability only goes one way, with some people expected to apologize while others get a pass.

• You do most of the emotional work but receive inconsistent support.

• You constantly edit yourself or overthink what to say because you're worried about the consequences.

If you constantly feel like you have to perform or make yourself smaller just to stay included, it can be a sign that the relationship isn't as equal as it should be. As Dr. Asuncion-Uy puts it, "Because our culture values belonging so deeply, the threat of being cast out is terrifying. So, you swallow your voice, perform or shrink."

Being in an unequal friendship can eventually affect how you see yourself. Dr. Asuncion-Uy says, "People start to evaluate their own value entirely through their ability to please. They lose access to their own voice—what developmental psychologists call 'the inner ear going deaf.'"

Having different roles in a friend group isn't automatically a bad thing. But the real question is whether those roles are flexible—and whether everyone still has a chance to be heard and valued.

According to Dr. Asuncion-Uy, traditional Filipino relationships were built on mutual dependence, cooperation, and collective survival—not rigid hierarchies. She compares a healthy friendship to a Filipino woven mat, where "every strand is horizontal, touching and supporting the others. Nobody is pushed to the cold edge in isolation."

Since these hierarchies often go unspoken, Dr. Asuncion-Uy suggests writing down specific situations to help you see the pattern clearly and trust your own experience.

From there, try something small: express a preference or say "no" when something genuinely doesn't work for you. Then, pay attention to how the group responds. If you're met with coldness, withdrawal, guilt, or some other form of punishment, it could be a sign that the hierarchy is more rigid than you thought.

Of course, that doesn't mean you have to immediately ghost everyone and cut them off. If you feel comfortable, it's worth having a conversation first.

Dr. Asuncion-Uy recommends focusing on the behavior rather than making it about one person. You could say: "I love this group, but I have noticed that plans are usually made without everyone's input, and it makes me feel a bit disconnected. I would love for us to find a more consensus-based way to connect."

And if the dynamic doesn't change, you can start widening your social circle, too. Dr. Asuncion-Uy says, "Do not rely on a single barkada for your entire sense of belonging. Diversifying your social world significantly lowers the emotional stakes and makes it much easier to stand in your own truth."

Our friendships shape so much of our lives, so the people we keep close should give us room to be ourselves—not make us feel like we have to shrink to belong.