For some unknown reason *cough* rom-coms *cough* so many of us are obsessed with finding "The One." You know, your legit, life-long soulmate. Whether you believe there is even a "One" for everyone, love coach Julia Keller says there are five very real reasons you probably haven't met them yet. She's also got a solution for each, if finding them is what you're into.
1. You’re not approachable.
"If you want to be approached, you have to actually be approachable," Julia says. Being friendly and open is the key, apparently.
Solution: "Smile, make eye contact, and sometimes even throw out an opener that makes them feel comfortable speaking to you but in a way that makes them want to find out more (if they're available and interested) and allows you to easily save face (if they're not).
2. You don’t truly love yourself.
"The only way to truly fulfilling love is to first give the love that you want to yourself," Julia says. "Loving yourself means valuing yourself highly enough to avoid getting pulled in by someone whose intentions are less than sincere, or who treats you badly. It also means being secure that you being single is a temporary state." You should know that (if it's what you want) you will meet someone special eventually.
Solution: "Fill your life and free time with meaningful activities that make you happy and put you in contact with interesting people, rather than wallowing in your loneliness or becoming depressed with the thought that you aren’t lovable," Julia advises.
3. The people you're interested in see you as a friend or colleague.
Many people don't take the time to relax and unwind before leaving work and heading off to do some socializing. If you go straight to the bar still in your work mindset, chances are you're going to rant to people about your stress.
Solution: Julia says, "Talk about what drives you and what you’re passionate about and interested in. Mention any fun activities you enjoy doing. Avoid getting pulled into any work discussions by being mysterious about what you do instead. Avoid discussions about work until you get to know someone better."
4. You rush the sex thing.
If it's a long-lasting relationship you're after and not just a hook-up (which is obviously totally fine), Julia suggests only sleeping with someone once you know where you stand, and that "they’ll still be interested in you the next day, rather than wondering what will happen after you get dressed and say good bye." This doesn't mean you shouldn't be cozy and cutesy with them, Julia says, as this will only help them imagine what there is to look forward to.
Solution: Julia suggests, "Get to know them slowly and let them get to know you before you get naked together. Not only is this better for your health and your self-protection, but it’s also much better for your long-term self-esteem. I teach my clients to only have sex when they’re in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone and to answer their attempts at moving forward sexually prior to commitment as a way to open that discussion."
"Not being out there is just as ineffective as being out there too much," Julia explains. "Just dating continuously without allowing for the connection with the person you’re dating will leave you feeling as empty and lonely as not dating at all."
Solution: If this relates to you, and you feel that your dating is not leading anywhere, Julia says, "you probably need to date fewer people and connect with each of them more. Only through really connecting, showing your vulnerability, getting to know them on a deeper level, and demonstrating your individuality can you fall for each other."
Julia Keller is a Transformational Love Coach helping those who are serious about improving their love story to attract, keep, and improve Authentic Love. She also teaches, speaks, and writes about topics including femininity, love, relationships, self-confidence, and self- love.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.