1. Hey, why don't we put a towel down?
He knows what's up. He's surfed your crimson wave before, and he knows doing that is less World Surf League and more Blake Lively in The Shallows. He's just saying, in the nicest way possible, that things are going to get messy.
2. Are you horny because you want me or because your period is making your hormones get you all jacked up?
He doesn't care either way, because it still means sex, but still ... it'd be nice to know he's desirable. Sometimes you want to feel wanted, you know? Just kidding, he really doesn't care.
3. Is that, uh ... natural lubricant or, um ... natural blood?
Probably a little of column A, and a little of column B. Some questions are better left without answers.
4. Did you want to keep this comforter?
Because it might be possible to save it, but it might just be better to burn it.
5. Are you OK?
He's just making sure because after you lose four pints of blood (is that how much blood you lose?!), he assumes you're probably going to pass out. Also, he might not know what four pints of blood looks like.
6. Does this feel better for you than sex that doesn't basically involve a blood oath?
Because it sure seems like you're more into this right now. Maybe it's your hormones, maybe it'sTrue Blood reruns.
7. Is it rude if I don't offer to go down on you?
Because ... this sort of feels like a lose-lose situation.
8. Should I ask if you want to do it in the shower?
Or is that just too much lubrication?
9. Are you putting war paint on me right now?
I feel like I have tribal ink all over my chest and arms. This is some Lord of the Rings orc shit right here. I feel like I need to run off into battle and plunder a village.
10. Why don't we just do ... butt stuff?
Yeah, yeah. That might be grosser, but the heart wants what it wants.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.