There are the girls we guys get a crush on, who make our girl friends nod their heads in approval and cheer, "Gudjab!" Then there are the girls we've got the hots for, whose names, upon announcement, are greeted by crickets. Then you ask "Why her?" To which we reply, "Why not?"
1. The Weirdo
What you think of her: Strange, with interests that are (say this in a hushed voice) not normal. Like cartoons. Or anime. Or dressing up as a cartoon character or anime.
What we think of her: Creative! And she knows anime—automatic ganda points! Nothing's sexier than discussing Yowamushi Pedal for hours. Don't even get us started about us turning on...her video game console. Oh yeah! "Useless sexual innuendo" achievement unlocked! (She gets this reference. You? No.)
2. The Manic (Pixie Dream) Girl
What you think of her: Spazzy. Doesn't have the attention span to hold a decent conversation, and instead will stare off into space while a song you've never heard plays in the background. Then she'll dance around, walk under the rain, backpack to Bali, pretend to be an ovarian cyst, or do other crazy things she's obviously got the monopoly on.
What we think of her: Spontaneous! Every moment with her is a living adventure/a storybook that never ends/an indie album where the B-sides are better than the A-sides/a metaphor that makes no sense. Dates are guaranteed to be positively un-dull.
3. One of the Boys
What you think of her: As the boys might say, "man-hos before girl-bros." She has a terrible haircut, a lack of any obvious facial care, and a rather loose way of walking, probably because she plays basketball so much, gives fist-bumps or whatever it is guys do together. Her close proximity to males would cause envy if she weren't so obviously out of the running for getting male attention.
What we think of her: Really, really, cool. She's the girl we can just hang out with, whether to blow off some steam or polish off some beers. Eat-all-you-can spicy burger challenge at a hole-in-the-wall? Yeah, she's game. She's always game. We're always teetering in and out of the friend zone, which makes everything doubly exciting when we can hang out with her.
4. The "Simple Lang"
What you think of her: The petite, pasty girl who seems not to possess one original thought in her noodle, and consequently fills her FB page with links to Thought Catalog. She thinks in IG quotes, and, in a restaurant, predictably orders a carbonara-and-iced-tea combo. Insufferaby basic, and infuriatingly demure.
What we think of her: She's the girl we'd have no qualms taking home to Mom. She'll forever be our crush, the soft-spoken princess we always imagined our GFs would be when we were young and fumbling at the too-tight collars of our school uniforms. She's exactly the right kind of maintenance, the right kind of cute, the right kind of fashionable...that frictionless, faithful girl we can totally imagine growing old with.
5. The Sexpot
What you think of her: You girls are in a bar. If anyone's the first to go home with someone, it would be her. Enough said.
What we think of her: You know exactly what we think of her. Enough said.
This story originally appeared in Cosmopolitan magazine, August 2014.
* Minor edits have been made by Cosmo.ph editors