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The Emotional Stages Of Being In The Friend Zone

WTF, he just asked me to introduce him to my gorgeous friend Diane. NOT COOL.

1. Tonight’s the night. He’s finally going to realize that I could be more than a “girl friend.”

Please, please, please let something come out of this inuman session. Although I don’t know what I expect to happen when we’re surrounded by drunken buffoons and he’s talking to that other chick more than he’s talking to me. I wish we were alone. Maybe I could snag a ride home with him? Must ~strategize~ to make that happen.

2. Wow. That time he told me he regretted breaking up with his ex really stung.

And that time he said he had the hots for his new co-worker. And that time he said Selena Gomez had grown into a Grade-A babe he would totally bang. I don’t want to hear any of that.

3. Should I not have told him that I could burp the alphabet?

Or that I could bulldoze through five slices of pizza in one sitting? Or that time I was so drunk, I passed out in the toilet at a bar? He’s really going to see me as one of the guys now. Or worse, a sister. A GROSS SISTER.

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4. Maybe I’m too available and I should learn to play hard to get.

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I've always freed up my evenings just in case he asks me out, even though when he does, it’s always a group hang. But…I want to hang out with him. Besides, how will I ever get a chance with him if I’m not around to get my flirt on? :(

5. That’s it. I'm bringing out the big guns tonight: a bright red lip and some peekaboo cleavage.

That should show him what he’s missing.

6. I should probably try to touch him, see if that changes anything.

Where should I touch him, though? It’s safe to put my hand on his shoulder or arm or back, right? How about his thigh? Or his hair? Are those girlfriend-only territories? Is he going to flinch and recoil like a rattlesnake if I try to do that? Maybe I shouldn’t touch him at all. Yep, keeping my hands to myself tonight.

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7. WTF, he just asked me to introduce him to my gorgeous friend Diane whom he spotted on my Facebook.

That is NOT cool.

8. WTF, he just offered to introduce me to his sleazy friend Chris who just got out of a LTR and is now banging anything that moves.

That is SO NOT cool.

9. Wait, who is this girl who’s suddenly all over his Facebook? *ALARM BELLS!!!*

Am I going to see her at our next barkada hang now? Oh, great. She’s here. *downs a Jack and Coke in one gulp*

10. All those times he's been asking me for advice about girls, he really did need my advice. 

So he could use it to get with that bitch Sarah.

11. God, this is humiliating. All my close friends know I had my eye on him, and now he's obviously dating someone else.

Who wants to be swallowed up whole by the earth? THIS GIRL.

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12. Puh-lease. He's not all that. As Queen Bey said, I could have another him in a minute.

IDGAF anymore. I don’t. I really don’t. I mean it. Watch me mean it.

13. Alright. Fine. His loss. Bye, Felicia.
But if he realizes that he—SURPRISE!—actually likes me and he’s just been blind all this time, I'll just be, you know…around. I mean, we’re still pals, right?

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