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To My Ex Best Friend

Not everyone becomes friends again like Maja and Kim.

Dear Carla, 

I think it was Math class. I was 10 minutes late, and the seat next to you was empty. We were fast friends, because we hated algebra, but played the same sports. You were talkative and weird and funny. I loved that about you. 

When I started dating our common friend Mike, you were the first person I talked to. I was so kilig, do you remember? "He's such a catch, no?" I asked you. "Of course, he is! Sobrang husband material," you joked.

Pretty soon, we all started hanging out together—spending our three-hour breaks in the cafeteria, hanging out after class, and having lunch. We were inseparable. So when Mike asked me to be his girlfriend, you were the first to know. You were thrilled.

So it seemed pretty apt that on the night I decided to break up with Mike after three years, you were the first person I called. "Ayoko na. Tapos na ako. Sakal eh." I cried. You never offered advice. You just knew that you had to be the girl on the opposite side of the line listening to me cry. I loved that about you.

You took me shopping and let me eat ice cream on your couch. You called me up every week to check if I was okay.

Until you stopped calling.

Three months after I ended things, a friend told me Mike was seeing someone else. I broke down in public. Because I found out he was seeing you. 

Remember that time in college when we were inside your room watching Gossip Girl, and you said, "Hey! I know I'm not seeing anyone right now. But, ya know, when the time comes, can you be my Maid of Honor? Or, like, bridesmaid?" I said yes.

Now what?

When you found out that I knew about you and Mike, you messaged me on Facebook.

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"I was going to tell you, but I couldn't find the right time," you wrote." But admittedly, there is no such thing as 'the right time.' I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I think our friendship is stronger than this. It just happened."

Do you remember that time you broke up with your first boyfriend? We were having dinner and you said, "So I'm 25 now and single. I'm scared I won't meet anyone. I don't go out. I'm super shy. I'm just talkative around you guys. What if I never meet The One?" 

"That's crazy! You're such a catch! Hintay ka lang." I said.

I never replied to your Facebook message for a lot of reasons. But I think my biggest reason was that I really did not know what to say. I didn't post a parinig status on social media. I didn't tweet a vague quote. I didn't do anything. I figured the smartest thing to do was to walk away.

You were my best friend, but I realized I had to cut you out. Because when life gives you two options: Boy or Best Friend, your instinct should be to pick the friend.

You didn't.

That choice said so much about the kind of person you are— how you treated your friends and which things in your life were a priority. I didn't reply to your message because you made it very clear that you didn't want to be in my life anymore. You made that call. 

I'm sorry this had to be our ending, but I'm not sorry for cutting you out of my life. It's been two years since I last saw you. Masaya ka naman. Masaya rin ako. Okay na tayo na ganito. 

***

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