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To My First Love

'I can’t love that way ever again; I’m glad I experienced it.'

You really hurt me when you left me years ago. I remember finding your reason pathetic—something about needing to find other people so we could realize you and I were really meant to be together. I still find it lame, BTW.

If you wanted to date someone else, you could have just told me upfront rather than giving me false hopes.

I hated you a lot for confusing me and making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you. I didn’t think I could cry so much and feel so vulnerable when you left me. My world really fell apart, and it was in ruins for more than a year.

Today, I think I still hate you. Well, I hate you when I suddenly remember you.

Some people believe that their first love is their greatest love. And when I loved you, I really did think nothing could compare to what we had. I was just so happy then. You looked happy, too.

But you’re not my greatest love. Not even close. I discovered that when I found someone else. I don’t mean to sound so harsh or insult you (no matter how much you deserve it). Consider this a way of thanking you for being the one to hurt me first.

For making me realize that love always comes with a lot of pain. That it’s about entrusting myself to someone who can hurt me but won’t. That I shouldn’t even be with someone who’s not sure about me.

Because of the hurt you’ve caused me that inevitably opened my eyes, my next relationships have had more depth and meaning. I had a better grasp of what I was getting myself into, and still I took the plunge and committed to the people I loved. I also realized that the guys who loved me back were also taking a risk with me and were trusting me with their hearts and lives.

I have to admit that while you’re not the greatest love, the love I had for you was different. It’s beautiful in its own way. Some people might call it “pure” because I loved you wholeheartedly without knowing of heartache. So following that, I did love you purely. I loved you innocently and naively.

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I can’t love that way ever again; I’m glad I experienced it.

But I don’t think I can find it in myself to TRULY be glad that you were my first love. (Sometimes I wish I never met you, even if we had promising times together.) I’m glad in as far as I know you’re not the one for me, and guys like you aren’t for me either. Thanks for the huge tip!

Speaking of tips, I hope you know by now that you don’t need to see other people to know if you’re with the person you should be with for the rest of your life. If you didn’t know that yet, let me tell you: Almost anyone out there can be that person. You just have to choose her. It's called a commitment, ICYDK.

Bye, Felicia.