Filipino families take great pride in upholding strong, deeply rooted values. We've set ourselves as the benchmark for moral guidance, firmly anchored in principles like respect for elders, strong family bonds, and religious faith. None of us can claim to have had a perfect upbringing, but there's a reason why much of what we do as adults is still shaped by the influence of our parents and guardians. In our culture, family is everything.
That said, the ongoing saga surrounding Olympic gymnast Carlos Yulo and his mother Angelica Yulo has sparked an intense online discussion about the *complexities* of Filipino parenting, and how these supposedly admired values of discipline and high expectations can sometimes cross the line into toxic territory.
For those unfamiliar, a brief overview: Carlos and his mother reportedly had a falling out in mid-2023, and tensions have seemingly escalated following his gold medal-winning performance at the Paris Olympics. Everything became public knowledge when both parties began sharing details about their rift, which included disputes over his earnings and his relationship with Chloe San Jose.
Naturally, Filipinos who sympathized with Carlos' perspective quickly took to social media not only to call out Angelica but also to criticize the problematic aspects of *conventional* Filipino parenting. And while we don't condone the personal attacks against her—it's clear that both mother and son are hurting and do not deserve further hostility—the latter issue might be worth looking into.
Examples of Toxic Filipino Family Traditions
To ensure this list is thorough enough, we examined numerous relevant Filipino subreddits—such as r/PanganaySupportGroup and r/AsianParentStories—and identified some of the most common examples of problematic parenting behaviors that are often discussed in these communities. These are the ones that stood out:
"Utang Na Loob"
In our society, parents take care of their children, and children, later on, are expected to take care of their parents, often by providing financial support. However, when these expectations aren't met, more traditional Filipino parents may invoke "utang na loob" to create a sense of obligation and pressure their children into compliance.
For the record, repaying "utang na loob" is considered a sweet gesture when done willingly and out of gratitude. But when you're being made to feel guilty about your ability to help, it starts to feel more like a burden than a gesture of appreciation. This is not to say that children have no responsibility to aid their parents, but it's not quid pro quo—they're not required to be each other's safety net.
"Parents Are Always Right"
Any progressive parent will tell you that being older doesn't always equate to more wisdom, but more traditional Filipino parents often don't share this view. And in Pinoy culture, expressing your opinions during a disagreement with your folks is usually seen as disobedience or disrespect. Traditions dictate that our elders are right by virtue of their seniority.
We should give credit where it's due: Parents genuinely believe they're looking after their children's best interests. But the issue here isn't whether the children are in the right or know better; it's that they often have no say in their own matters. Making decisions for them when they're young is one thing, but it becomes an entirely different thing once they're old enough to decide for themselves.
"Family Above All Else"
Filipino parents who adhere to a more traditional approach expect their children to prioritize family above all else. When someone or something—such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, or passion project—interferes with this priority, they are often viewed as a threat or disruption to the status quo. Furthermore, things become even more complicated when the younger generation steps into the role of the family's primary breadwinner.
There's merit in wanting to secure stability within the family, but parents shouldn't feel entitled to their children’s time and income. As a parent, how can you expect them to build a life for themselves if they’re constantly obligated to prioritize everyone else’s needs over their own?
"My House, My Rules"
In many traditional Filipino households, the person who puts food on the table holds the final say in family matters. Anyone who deviates from the norm or stands up for themselves is typically faced with two choices: Conform to the rules or move out.
This approach may be fine when children are younger, but as they grow into adults and develop their own identities (and purchasing power), the shift in family dynamics becomes inevitable. It's not that they expect to take over as the household decision-maker, but there comes a time when strict adherence to outdated rules no longer suits them. As a result, tensions rise when they become weary of their parents constantly holding authority over their heads.
Is There Any Way To Fix This?
It's easy to cave to the idea that there's no fixing this "generational gap," but we Filipinos value our families too much to ever give up on each other. Addressing the issue of toxicity between parents and their adult children over traditions and expectations entails open communication, trust, and mutual respect.
Stage a family intervention.
Pinoys are generally not confrontational, but both parties need to have the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings openly, without fear of judgment or punishment. When done with respect, this approach can help clarify misconceptions and foster mutual understanding.
Acknowledge each other's sacrifices.
During conflicts, it's easy to overlook the good that has been done for each other, which is why periodic reminders can be beneficial. Parents would appreciate acknowledgment for the sacrifices they've made for the household, just as children would love for their parents to be more understanding of the challenges of balancing family responsibilities with personal ambitions.
Establish clear boundaries and changes.
Families should be open to revisiting traditional norms and expectations that may no longer be relevant or beneficial. This can involve renegotiating household roles and responsibilities.
Practice collaborative decision-making.
It's natural for family members to not see eye to eye on things, but when there's mutual respect involved, there's no need for anyone to exert control or relinquish it. Involve both generations in important family decisions, ensuring that everyone's opinions are heard and valued.
Focus on what you can agree on.
Identify shared goals that everyone in the family can agree on, such as financial stability, well-being, or maintaining strong family ties, and work together to achieve them. Sometimes, all a parent needs is the reassurance of their place in their children's lives, while children often desire the autonomy to make their own choices. It's entirely possible that a family can achieve these goals without depriving each other of these things.
The bottom line: Just as traditional parents should learn to make peace with the changing times, children should also recognize that their parents will always want to have a guiding influence in their lives.
We can all agree that change as drastic as this doesn't happen overnight. Things might even get worse before they get better. It's easier said than done, but for family, it's certainly worth trying over and over again.