I have never watched The Gilmore Girls.
And none of this was a problem until the series announced its Netflix reboot. I’d spent my adult life ducking Gilmore Girls analysis and dropping declarative sentences like “Ugh—typical Dean” to fool acquaintances into thinking I was a member of their inner sanctum. But I’m not. I’m a fraud. And here’s what I think the show is really about.
1. Rory and Lorelai are very close and that's not necessary the best thing.
I mean, right? Once I saw an episode where Lorelai and Christopher hooked up and Rory was like, 14, and clued in and just gave a knowing nod, and I am certain no other 14-year-old would be that chill about anything, let alone the sex lives of their parents. At no point does anybody stop and say, “Hey, you guys aren’t friends, FYI.” The other day my Mom said, “We’re not best friends” and I told her I knew that and in that moment we were closer than we’ve ever been.
2. Lorelai comes from money and acts like she no longer has money. But, really, come on—she has money.
I know that Lorelai had Rory at 16 and stopped talking to her rich parents to start life anew in Stars Hollow. Terrific! She also somehow goes from being very broke and 16 to working her way up the hotel management chain where she’s currently the boss. Equally great! And obviously, compared to her very rich parents, Lorelai’s economic status is “humble.” But also obviously, she and Rory are very affluent, particularly since they’re always wearing new clothes and their house is very nice. It’s small, but it’s nice. It’s very, very nice. Like, can I say they’re rich? I’m saying it. I’m saying they’re rich. Just not compared to Lorelai’s parents whose home is built on a million $100 dollar bills.
3. They live in Stars Hollow and it's cheesy AF.
There are about 13 residents total and they all know each other’s business and it is bananas. They also seem to take their city council meetings very seriously when they're about things like craft fairs. Also, nobody locks their doors and everybody swings by everybody’s homes. If a person rings my doorbell or knocks on my door now, I freeze in place and refuse to move and consider calling the police.
4. Theme nights are for sure a thing that matter in Stars Hallow.
One of the episodes I’ve seen (I have seen about 12 and I have seen this specific episode four times, I don’t know why) revolved around a 1940s-themed dance-off that led to the demise of Dean and Rory in the wake of . . . Jess? I think? Sure. Who cares. What matters is that this is an activity that teenagers chose to partake in. Teens, in this town, think dressing up for a 1940s-themed dance-off is a wonderful choice. So these teens are not real. They are like if aliens tried to be teens.
5. Jess is a “bad boy,” Dean is a farmer, and Logan is a rich baby-bitch.
Jess gets sent away to live with his Uncle Luke and he is “bad,” but also he likes books, and that is #hot. He is also played by Milo Ventimiglia, who I am dating (in my mind). Dean is played by Jared Padalecki and has had the same haircut since 2001. He also seems to be wearing an oversize green coat at all times, which should’ve been a red flag from the beginning. Logan is blonde. He is rich. He is boring and entitled. He is the wrong kind of “bad boy.” (Like, he’s just shitty.)
And so is Sally Struthers, and the fact that neither of them got a spin-off or their own talk show or something made entirely for me is cruel and unfair and how dare everyone.
7. There are so many misunderstandings.
This is a feelings show. Everyone’s got feelings. Hugging ensues. Heart-to-hearts.
8. There is a Christopher/Luke/Lorelai love triangle.
I know this because when I worked at American Eagle, there was a promo on one of our DVDs that played four times an hour. “I slept with Christopher!” was a thing that was said no less than 1,600 times, so I know this happens and that it is very upsetting. Luke seems “gruff,” so this probably bothers him but he never lets anybody know. Basically, this is Pam, Jim, and Karen from The Office, but with far worse communication skills.
9. Everyone wears vests.
Remember that Gap campaign from 1999? That’s exactly what I think about whenever I imagine the Gilmore Girls’ wardrobe department. Sweaters, vests, toques. There are mittens. Flared jeans.
10. The obsession with coffee is truly OTT.
Luke’s Diner makes coffee and it is so good that real, living people we know in our real lives lined up at fake Luke’s Diners across North America this October to drink it. But also, his diner seems to be the only coffee shop in Stars Hollow? Like, there’s no Starbucks or Tim Horton’s or Dunkin’ Donuts. But everybody runs on coffee to the point that it’s a thing. (“First, coffee.” Or something.) So explain the logistics of that to me. How are there never any lines?
11. Pop-Tarts are a breakfast food.
12. Rory goes to a fancy, uniformed school.
And it’s called Chilton because I saw mention of it on Tumblr this week. This seems to be a school for people who are wealthy and guaranteed places in law schools or . . . whatever it is businesspeople do. Congratulations, everybody!
13. And Rory and Lorelai go to Lorelai's parents’ once a week for dinner.
I think this is because Lorelai went MIA for 300 years. I also think that I don’t know anyone who has proper family meals with their parents on a Friday night because it is a Friday night and also their parents have shit to do. But this takes place in Connecticut so life might be different there.
14. The soundtrack is very chill and college-radio-esque.
But not college radio like The O.C.—this is way more coffee-house. Carole King sings the theme song.
15. A girl’s best friend is her mother.
Rory doesn’t seem to have a ton of friends. She has Lane and she has Paris and then she has her Mom. Where are the other #teens? Why aren’t there visits to the mall? Why are there four teens in the entire village? Rory seems super cool and nice, but her go-to about everything is still her mother, which is fine sometimes but also not a thing that tends to happen IRL, ever. I remember being younger and thinking I wanted to be like Rory Gilmore, based on the two episodes I saw. And then I realized real quick that no thank you, because it was Friday night and I had a food court and a Claire’s Accessories to loiter around.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.